The relationship ended before it began...

Hi *waves*. I have to go to work in a few hours. I don't want to go. Not just because working sucks, but also because I'll have to face my ill-fated crush. That whole situation is so fucked up that it's... well fucked up.

Okay, so I have a crush on a guy who works in the Service Deli. His name is Mark. He is blonde, about 5'10 and has blue eyes that make you feel like he's seeing into your soul. He's quite and shy, and terribly cute.

What's the problem you ask? I think problems is more the word, so let's count out all three nails in the coffin of a relationship that never was.

1. He's only 21 and I'm 23. I know some of your are thinking what's the big deal, but guys are 4 years delayed in there development as compaired to women. Therefore, although his actual age is 21, he's really 17.

2. He's married. I think that one pretty much explains it's self.

3. His wife is 4 months pregnant with their first child.

We're talking as he is making my sandwich for lunch and spills these tidbits of info out of nowhere. I had to stand there all composed like I didn't care, but inside I was sreaming. I wanted to cry. I know for a second there my face must have collapsed, but I'm sure he didn't notice.

Me liking this guy and thinking I may have had a chance with him wasn't entirely wishful thinking. He doesn't wear a wedding ring. I asked him why and he said he can't afford it, but really people! How much would a little sliver or gold band cost. It doesn't have to be the real deal, but you should wear something so stupid girls like me don't get our hopes up. It's called false advertising. Look into it damnit!!!

I've been stewing over this for the past 2 days and I've come to some scary realizations about myself. What's scary is, I actually think I could have worked my way around the whole married thing if he wanted to start something. I kept thinking, "if only she wasn't pregnant." Isn't that terrible. I'm an awful home-wreaking bitch and I haven't even done anything. Another scary thing is that I was hoping he was totally miserble in his marriage and only married her because she got knocked up. He always looks kinda sad and disconnected so this could be, but that still doesn't give me the right to put that out into the universe.

What is wrong with me? Why am I thinking these things about this guy? I've had crushes on guys and never wished their marriages ill-will. Then again, I've never had a crush on a married guy. Maybe I wouldn't have let myself have a crush on him at all if I'd known he was married from the get go.

Anyway, I just feel like shit and today I have to work in the service deli and run a sandwich demo until 1pm today. He will talk to me and smile at me and be adorable. I will be nice and act like I don't have any interest in him when really I'm sobbing inside. Today is going to be a long and fucked up day.