December 2005 Archives

Hi * waves*. So, we are coming up on 2006. Do you remember, back in the 50’s when everyone thought we’d be living on Mars by the year 2000? I bet people who didn’t live to see 2000 come and go would be pretty disappointed in us now. It appears we aren’t really a forward thinking people. We’ve made leaps and bounds as far as personal entertainment is concerned (the new I-Pods for one), but as far as reaching out to the stars—the stuff of Gene Rodenberry’s dreams… we have failed miserably.

I suppose it’s to be expected. After all, we are human and humans aren’t known for being particularly smart (I’m very good at this self-loathing thing, aren’t I?). But even I would have expected to be farther along than this. I know that is rich coming from a notoriously late bloomer like myself, but I figure I am just a microcosm of the world at large. Humans are late bloomers by nature. We always seem to be playing catch up to the rest of nature’s creatures. The only thing that sets us apart is that we are at the top of the food chain and only because we have deposable thumbs. It’s kind of sad really. When you think about the nature of evolution (if you believe in it, which I do), you see that it doesn’t usually fix what isn’t broken. Crocodiles have stayed unchanged for millions of years. They are influenced by outside forces, their habitat is constantly changing thanks to human development, but still, they are unfazed. They are the perfect killing machine—divine in their perfection and propensity for destruction while still providing a valuable service to nature (weeding out the weak to make the herd stronger).

They are fascinating creatures, but also serve to show us our flaws. Humans are constantly changing because in essence, we are broken. Our pinky toes are getting increasingly smaller. Why? Not quite sure, but nature thinks we don’t need them anymore, so she is phasing those fuckers out. And, deep down, we know we are broken too. That is why we have this innate need to drill down the I-Pod to its most perfect state. We are desperate for control of our imperfection, therefore we strive to perfect the things around us in hopes that the perfection will prove our value or rub off on us. Could we use the initiative we use on video games to fuel our exploration into space? Sure we could, but why bother when the Graphic Geeks at Pixar will create a virtual universe for us. No muss, no fuss, no math… its genius.

I guess I’m just discontent with the fact that another year has gone by and I still have done nothing with my life. I really shouldn’t get down on myself. I’m just doing what humans do. Unfortunately I’m a little more forward thinking than that, so my being par is bothering me.

I got invited to a few parties this weekend to ring in another New Year. I may go, I may not. It depends. I’d probably be a little more enthusiastic about it if I had a date, but alas, no such luck. Maybe I’ll stay home with the parental unit, drink vodka mixers and watch Anime. God, that sounds pathetic and fun all at the same time.

Hi *waves*. I’ve been thinking… I come to realizations about myself almost every damned day. That is usually how I start a blog entry; “I’ve come to a realization about myself.” What the fuck? I suppose that’s a good thing because everyone could stand to learn a thing or two about themselves every now and then—it makes us better people, but I think I take it a little over board. As my boss, Gary would say, I’m way to introspective… I think too much. Anyway, this entry isn’t going to be any different… I’ve come to a realization about myself, not today, but yesterday.

So, I’ve decided to start back on the anti-depressants because lets’ face it; me being me with out any mind altering drugs in my system isn’t working. I just can’t play the game without a little help; I need to be someone else, period. It’s sad once you realize that about yourself, but that will all go away once the Zoloft really starts kicking in. I’ve been taking it for two days and I can already see the difference.

First off, I have a wicked headache that will not go away, I’m totally exhausted and I’ve been listening to nothing but Rock/Metal for the last two days. This is also something I’ve noticed about myself, I listen to way more Hip-Hop when I’m off my medication. I don’t know why… maybe it’s because I’m really angry so I express that frustration through Gangsta Rap. As my sister has so insightfully mentioned, it’s two different degrees of anger. When I’m off my medication, I’m more aggressive and outward—easy to fight. When I’m on my medication, I’m more inward—it’s easier to let stuff go. So yeah, I made an ass of myself at both Christmas parties and to answer the question I posed in the entry previous to this one, I’d rather be in a fog then see the truth. The truth is over rated… big time. It’s too much for me to sit there, losing it and like… seeing myself lose it—acting like an ass and being able to do nothing about it. It’s disconcerting to say the least. I don’t like that feeling at all. In fact, I hate it.

The weird thing about this whole situation is I understand my father much better now. I had a really hard time understanding why he would choose drugs over his family. Now that I’m older I also understand that 50% of the problem with my parent’s marriage was my mother’s fault as well, but I’m so much like my dad is freaky. He understood that being himself—just the way he was born wasn’t working. He knew he had to change and become someone else, so he turned to drugs. Granted, I’m not going to go out and become a crack-head like my dad, but I have a clearer perception of what he was going through. Maybe he would have had a chance had he access to prescription drugs like me. But hindsight is always 20/20.

I know that I said before that being on the Zoloft drained the artistic impulse out of me, which is true. But I haven’t drawn anything in years and I’m sick of that. So, I’ve decided to fight through and try to find the inspiration to create again. I think that will help me express and not eternalize everything. I believe that was part of my problem the last four years. I haven’t had a real physical medium to purge myself. I’m curious to know what will flow from my pencil in the next year.

I suppose you can call these New Year’s Resolutions although I really don’t believe in those. There are very few people who can actually stick to shit like that, but it’s as close as I’m going to get so I might as well try really hard to follow through.

See you peeps on the flipside. Peace, Love, Blessed it be.

Hi *waves*. You know, I’ve come to a realization tonight. I am very alone. I always knew I was, but being off the Zoloft is really showing that to me now. I was totally in a fog; wearing rose-colored glasses concerning my life. I had a false since of security as far as everything goes. I don’t have anyone. I am always the bad guy and I’m fucking sick of it. It’s like people hear my voice, and apparently it is so devastating to the system, so contrary, that they stop listening. Like nothing I say has any merit… ever. I can’t be expected to ask anyone for even the tiniest thing. God forbid I should put them out and ruin their master plan to do whatever it is they feel like doing. It’s like I should be thankful that I am even in their presence and anything that I want or need should be disregarded. It’s fucking annoying as hell and I am tired of people expecting me to blow it off. I’m always the one who has to bend over backwards. I’m always the one who has to compromise like I was born for it or some shit. I’m the one who does what everyone else wants them to do. Excuse the fuck out of me for actually thinking that one should think about another person from time to time and not just themselves. But I guess I am an exception to the rule. I have to decide whether I should go back on the medication and be in a fog. The truth sucks. The question is, do I want to be in the truth… in the moment, or do I want to be out of it?

Hi *waves*. I have discovered something about myself in the past few days. I am not cut out for data entry. Nope. Not in the least. In fact, I hate it.

See, I’ve been working on this spreadsheet at work where I just take data and type it into an excel sheet. It’s one after the other--company name, contact name, address, phone number and e-mail. So far I have done 141 entries and my god, I want to die. Doing this literally puts me to sleep. I’m serious. My eye lids are getting heavy and I feel like taking a nap, that is how horrible this is. And I have flippin’ two more databases to go. I feel like crying. These are the times when I miss Vons. I can’t say I was ever bored to tears at that job. Yes, I was brought to tears on several occasions, but it didn’t have shit to do with boredom.

So, I’m rethinking applying for new anime fanlistings. As with most listings all the good ones that I really like are already taken. There is one or two that I really want that are available, but it’s finding decent pics to make a layout that is killing me. They are old school anime, so they don’t have all the shiny scans that new anime/manga have. But these anime are considered classics so it’s worth trying, right?

I’ll probably make a decision on all these things over my 4 day vacation. We get off half day this Friday to go to that Partner company Christmas Party and we get Monday and Tuesday off, which is nice. My sister on the other hand, gets this Friday and Monday off, goes to work Tuesday, then gets Wednesday through Friday off. She is pissing me off right now. It’s not fair. I want the whole damned week off too.

Anyway, I’m just running my mouth at this point. I’ll bow out and see you peeps on the flipside. Jeez, it’s been a while since I said that. I miss it.

Peace, Love and Blessed it be.

Hi *waves*. So I’ve decided to cut off some rotting limbs concerning the site. Ghost Hack has lost its approval and there is nothing I can do about that, so I’m shutting it down. I could run it without it being approved, but there is resentment there, so I might as well cut ties. I haven’t had much interest in Believe in Beauty for quite a while, so that one is getting cut too. And although I still love the song “Don’t Let Me Be the Last to Know,” I don’t feel comfortable being connected to anything Britney Spears considering she’s turned into a white-trash whore with an impossibly stupid (and equally white-trash) “husband” (If you can call him that), so that one is to the curb as well.

I need to break down and code the new layout for Warrior of Darkness and believe it or not, I’ve decided to apply for a few anime fanlistings again, three to be exact. I may get them, I may not, but I think I have a pretty good chance. Once I secure them, I’ll go into more detail.

You’d think that after all that happened with Ghost Hack I’d decide to boycott The Anime Fanlistings all together, but that would be childish. I obviously was not meant to run that fanlisting any longer, so I’m over it. It sucks, but I’m over it. Now it’s someone else’s turn.

I have two Christmas parties this week that I have to go to. One is for our office only (and a guest) and the other is with our Partner Company, Interactive Ideas. I don’t want to go to either, but what the hell. Its office politics and free food/drink at its best, so I can’t complain too much. We have to do this white elephant type gift exchange with a cap of 20 bucks spent on the gift. I’m going to buy a $20 gift card from Starbucks. I can just see these java junkies vying for that nice little lump of flesh. I hate Starbucks so I have absolutely no use for the thing, I’m happy to give it away and it will be fun watching them steal from each other to try and get it. Muhahahahaha!

Other than that, things are pretty low-key. I organized and spring cleaned my mp3s over the weekend. I got rid of a bunch of stuff I couldn’t believe I freakin’ downloaded in the first place. I ripped some songs from CDs that I really wanted on my computer (much easier to listen that way) and pretty much organized my I-tunes to death. I also fixed the corrupted coppermine database at M-C.Com, which had apparently been corrupted for weeks and I had no idea. I’m so neglecting Mattie right now. By the way, should I open a Gerry fansite? I worship him, but there are so many out there already.

Alrighty, peace, love and blessed it be.

Hi *waves*. Today is going by so freakin’ slow. Its mind numbing. I feel like I’ve been at the office all day and its only 11am. I’m dying… please put me out of my misery.

I’m thinking I probably feel like offing myself right now because I’m completely and utterly sleep deprived. I got about 3 hours of sleep last night which wasn’t the plan, but my sister had to do some work on my computer and my mother decided to get all into The Phantom of the Opera (which I was watching because Gerard Butler is my new obsession (poor Mattie)). In fact, she made me play the finale, starting from The Point of No Return for Inbal, who was over that night to watch a movie with Quiana.

Phantom of The Opera is an interesting movie. I happened to completely adore it. The ending makes me cry; Gerard is so good. I think the look of the movie is gorgeous, but Christine and Raul leave me completely cold. Those two are so freaking boring it’s ridiculous. I end up fast forwarding through all the parts that don’t have Gerard in them. Not just because he is too beautiful to walk among mere mortals, but also because that Christina/Raul shit makes want to blow major chunks.

This got me thinking about what other people thought of the film. I know it got mixed reviews and a lot of people hated the fact that they cast Gerry as the Phantom; one reason being they thought he was way to good looking to play this supposed grotesque, twisted character. This is funny because, when mom and I first watched the film like last year, she kept saying, throughout the entire movie, “He’s not that bad? I’d take him. He looks pretty good to me. The left side of his face is fine.” And it happened again last night when Inbal walked into my room, as the climax scene was on when The Phantom tells Christine to choose between him and Raul, “He’s not bad looking,” She said. “Why are they making it out like he’s so terrible?” Dude, that totally cracked me up. I mean, Gerry is hot. No amount of prosthetic is going to cover up his perfection, no matter how hard you try, but damn. The guy is an actor. He’s trying to act the part of a tortured creature abused by the world because of the way he looks.

I would think it’d be really hard to get into the head space of that kind of person when everyone keeps telling you, “You’re too pretty. You’re the exact opposite. You’ll have to flip yourself and basically stop being you.” But I could see how that would be distracting to the audience as well. Everyone is too busy focusing on Gerry’s looks that they find it hard to believe that he is supposed to be this hideous and repulsive thing. It is distracting and the movement of the piece is lost on them. So, in that case, some critics have a point. But why, unlike everyone else, was I able to look past Gerry, so to speak, and focus on the way he played the part? I was able to moved by his acting and sympathize with his creature of the night. Am I not particularly shallow? Or is everyone else just stupid?

So yeah, I made the mistake of going to Netflix and reading the reviews of “Phantom”. Man, are people bloody dumb. They kept going on and on about how Gerry could never compare to Michael Crawford who originated the stage role in the musical in 1984. But here is the thing… Gerry is not trying to channel flippin’ Michael Crawford. I understand the guy has the voice of an angel, but hello, two different people, two different acting styles and two different approaches to the character. I’m sure if they could have gotten Michael to play the part in the film, they would have, but the guy is 65 years old. He has moved on. Not to mention that this was a film, not a stage musical. It was adapted for the screen… ADAPTED for the screen, by Andrew Lloyd Weber himself! The guy who wrote the whole shebang had a hand in every bit of this movie and the “Phans” still weren’t happy. They ripped it to shreds. It’s like, if the freaking guy who wrote the original play likes the direction of the film and approved Gerard to play The Phantom, who the hell are you fucks to tell him he’s wrong? He is supposedly the God of musical theater, right? You all worship the ground he walks on, correct? Still the peeps continue to get their hate on? What up with, player? What up with that?

As you can tell, I’ve thought a lot about this over the past few days. Of course it has everything to do with my wanting to marry Gerard and bare his children. I think He may be replacing Matt as my main obsession, which is sad. Matt and I have been together (not really together… you know what I mean) for the last 5 years and now we are growing apart. My goodness, I’m getting misty. I’ve never been obsessed with someone as long as I’ve been obsessed with Matt. But that just goes to show the rampant progression of my supreme neurosis. My obsessions are completely unhealthy and I have my theories as to why I get enchanted with unknown or barely know actors who don’t even know I exist on the planet earth… but that, my friends, is for another post.

Peace, Love, Blessed it be.

Hi *waves*. I’m wearing yellow underwear today. Isn’t that a hell of a way to start of an entry, but it’s true. They came in my Hanes variety pack and since I was wearing a yellow blouse today, I thought I’d color coordinate.

Believe it or not, I’ve actually been brain storming about my domain sections. I think I have a pretty good outline of stuff to add to each section that would be pretty interesting. The only problem I have is setting aside the time and prioritizing my other projects properly.

Don’t laugh. I do have other projects like Warrior of Darkness and Ghost in the shell. I don’t know if I should even spend the time on The Ghost in the Shell fanlisting now. I’ve been running the damned thing for two fucking years now and come to find out that my fanlisting is no longer approved because TheFanlisitngs.Org branched off into The Anime Fanlistings. Umm… no one told me this, so I find out months and months later. But I’m like, whatever, no big deal. I’ll just add their link to my page. But something in the back of my mind told me to check and make sure Ghost Hack was listed. Because honestly, if they are not even going to tell you that a new branch has been created at the fanlistings, why would they honor any of the fanlistings approved before they “branched off” in the first place. And guess what, some other Ghost in the Shell fanlisting was listed as approved. Now, I’m not angry at the owner of that fanlisting. That would be stupid, but I’ve been running the original approved listing for two freakin’ years and I’m sorry, but I feel like I was fucked over a little bit. It’s like the years I put into that thing and the 300+ member’s database I have maintained is irrelevant now. Like all my hard work was snubbed and my fanlisting was stolen away from me. It may sound stupid to a lot of you, but this has been irritating me for a while. I’m thinking about e-mailing all my members, telling them to join with the real GITS fanlisting and shutting Ghost Hack down. I really love that anime too. It’s my favorite and I was so freaking stoked when I was approved. This just sucks.

Anyway, I keep having dreams about Gerard Butler. Very strange… very strange indeed.

Hi *waves*. So I’ve finally got my new computer and can I just say that it is like… flippin’ incredible! It’s so fast it’s out of control. I mean, it puts my other computer to complete and utter shame. I can’t believe I was dealing with that shit as long as I was. But that’s what happens with stuff like this. You never know how bad you have it until you get something that mops the floor with its ass. Seriously, I really didn’t realize how crappy my computer really was, not even after I got the new one. It didn’t completely sink in until I booted up my Limewire (which is notoriously sloooowww) and it just popped up… in like 30 seconds. It blew my damned mind. So, yes I am a very happy girl.

So anyway, I was coming out of the nail shop I go to with my sister. I had just got my nails and toes done so I was feeling pretty good – all cute and stuff, then all of a sudden, my flip-flop got stuck in a crack in the concrete and I fell on my ass… in broad daylight… in parking lot full of cars. HOW FUCKING EMBARASSING! Luckily no one saw me, as impossible as that sounds. Now my ankle is hurting. I don’t think I sprained it or anything, but I probably bruised it pretty good. I did this “tuck and roll” thing to keep from falling on my face and my ankle had to take some of the damage. I also messed up my shoulder. It was already a little hurt form my fall, but I also slept on it really hard and now it is all fucked up. I can’t raise my arm above my head. Holding a full cup of water makes it ache. It’s ridiculous.

Anyway, I’m going back to Sushi Studio tonight. Monday is Happy Hour with $5 dollar Sumo Rolls. They are so good. After that, I am going home, taking a shit load of pills ( you know I like my pills) and going to bed… after I mess with my new computer a bit.

Peace, Love, Blessed it be.