February 2006 Archives

Hi *waves*. I haven’t written in a while, mostly because I’ve been dealing with shit. My dad has become a bit of a hand full. For a minute there I thought the stroke would knock some sense into him and make him take stock, but it hasn’t. He is still the same tragic, stunted man he was before he had the stroke; only it’s a little worse now. I think he’s lost some of his impulse control… not that he had that much to begin with. All I know is that I’m getting tried of being the mediator between my parents and I’m tried of my mother making everything about her.

I don’t think she understands why I’m reacting the way I am to this whole situation with my dad. I don’t know how she expects me to act. Yes, I have issues with my father. Yes, he isn’t going to win the “Father of the Year” award…ever, but I feel this innate need to take charge and take care of him. Maybe it’s because he really didn’t do that for me and I know how bad it sucks. I think my dad tried, but he had very many demons to battle which didn’t leave much time for his children. I don’t know where those demons came from or why they wanted to torture him so…however, I do know that he lost the war a long time go. This is why I’m kind of pissed at my mom right now. She still doesn’t want to accept the fact that my dad is what he is and he isn’t going to change. She can’t get it through her thick skull that my dad didn’t have a stroke just to spite her and throw her world out of whack—that the world does not and never has revolved around her. Everyone is not out to get her— she is not the end all be all—there are other people on the planet with needs and wants besides her and her massive ego.

I don’t think my dad acts the way that he does on purpose and I think that’s what makes it so sad. I think he knows that he does and says stupid things that hurt people, but it’s like you’re on the outside looking in on yourself being an ass and you don’t know how to stop it. It helps me have a better understanding of my father because I do the same thing. I guess I inherited it from him. But I also inherited my mother’s whip-lash tongue. It’s the selfishness that I inherited from the both of them that I don’t like. Well… I’m not anymore selfish than the next person, but I have my moments. I also work really hard not to be selfish because sometimes I look at my parents and I’m just disgusted with the depth of egotistical stupidity that oozes from their pores. I’m just dumbfounded sometimes. Like, I can’t believe that they can’t see how ridiculous they’re being. I mean, how one could not see that… it’s so freaking obvious! I don’t know—it’s hard to explain, but if you ever have the privilege of having dinner with my parents and watching them interact with each other, you’ll know what I mean. I think what nailed the coffin shut on their marriage was that they were so wrapped up in themselves; they didn’t have time for each other.

Anyway, I think I and they are better off not being married. People think it’s totally weird and unhealthy of me, but I was happy when my parents got divorced. It was finally an end to all the bullshit. Call me incredibly observant for an 8 year old, but I knew their marriage wasn’t going to work and breathed a sigh of relief when they realized it too. I’ve actually had people try to convince me that I’m lying to myself and I really want my parents to get back together—that all children of divorce want their parents to get back together. Umm… sorry, but no. The last thing in the world I want is for my parents to get remarried. Oh my god, I would die. The thought, the sheer thought makes me want to blow chucks.

I just want to be a caretaker. I want to be one of those people that other people can rely on. I really want to conquer any selfishness lurking at the core and be a real giver whom expects nothing in return. I want to take care of my dad without thinking about all the shitty things he’s done to me. I don’t want to dislike him. I already love him, but I want to like him too. Some people may not understand where I’m coming from with this. Considering the history my father and I have, you’d think I’d just deal with the anger and realize that it’s apart of my life. I suppose I’m asking too much to actually want to like my father as a person. But like I always say, you cannot reach perfection… but it doesn’t hurt to try.

Hi *waves*. This has been bugging me for a long time, but the tile in the bathroom at my office doesn’t match. It’s all the same color scheme and crap, but there’s no design. You know how usually tile is put together to create a pattern? Well, the tile in this bathroom has no pattern at all. It’s like the dude just put down the tiles all willy-nilly like without any regard for form or function. I mean, when I’m doing my… business, finding a distinct pattern in the tile (especially in a foreign bathroom) helps me relax. But this place… there is nothing to focus on—no pattern to entertain you. It’s complete rubbish. I know it sounds silly, but it bugs the shit out of me. I should complain to the management.

Anyway, I’m feeling a streak of independence coming on. As I’ve said many times before, I am a late bloomer. But when I do bloom, it’s big—I evolve by leaps and bounds, then I hit a plateau and have to wait a few more years to store up the courage to take another leap of faith.

It’s interesting that I mention leaps of faith. My mother did a reading for me the other night. Just a simple three card draw, but it was very informative. I’m usually the one doing the readings as I am teaching myself tarot and I have a natural gift for reading people like books, so that can only help me be a better diviner. But I digress… my mother did a reading for me and the three cards I drew were The Fool, The Two of Swords, and The Stars (very impressive considering that two of the cards were Major Arcane.) Basically I am at a crossroads in my life. I am at the cusp of change and growth (The Fool), but right now I am stuck in limbo and am very confused about which path I should take (2 of Swords). In the end I will make a decision to move forward and have a better grasp of what my purpose is in life (The Stars).

This relates to a lot of stuff going on in my life right now. I am confused about how much I should give to my dad. He needs round the clock care now and I was considering quitting my job to take care of him. But I know that is not the right decision and he already told me he would be pissed if I put my life on hold for him. I’m not much of a caretaker, but I’m trying. It’s very hard to go against your nature. It’s also hard to let go and realize you can’t fix everything.

I am a fixer. If you tell me something is wrong, I’ll try to come up with a solution. Although you came to me just so someone will listen (I’m good at listening), that doesn’t stop me from trying to fix whatever is wrong. I can’t help it. My mind just goes into fix it mode. So you can imagine how hard it is to resign myself to my father’s new state of being. I want so bad to fix this, but I can’t. I just can’t. Another crappy thing about being a fix it person is when you can’t fix it, it brings you way down.