March 2006 Archives

Hi *waves*. So I’m here at work having another strange realization about myself. For some reason things are slow here right now, which is rather odd as I woke up in a frantic whirlwind this morning. I was rushing for reasons I haven’t figured out yet. I suppose it was because I thought I was going to be late (which I wasn’t), but I also think it was more than that. I physically felt rushed, like the cells in my body were vibrating at tripped out speeds. I don’t know what was going on, but it was weird. I’ve calmed down since then, but that feeling of rushing still lingers. Maybe it had something to do with a dream I was having that I can’t recall.

Remember when I said I didn’t have a crush on anyone at work. Well. I lied about that. I was ashamed of the whole thing so I kept it to myself. You’d think I’d be much more ashamed of the crush on Mark (and I was extremely ashamed) with his being married with a son and all, but that is nothing compared to this one. Besides, Mark and I got to know each other very well while working in the deli, so I consider him a friend now. That makes all those fuzzy feelings seem ridiculous in retrospect.

It’s funny because he ended up having a crush on me long after I had gotten over him. It’s weird how you get to know someone and wrap your mind around the fact that you will never be with them, just to find out later that had circumstances been different, your crush would have come to fruition. You’d think that would make me sad somehow, but it doesn’t. Things happen the way that they do for a reason… plus I like his wife very much so it’s all good.

But onto the other guy… I can say with confidence that I can put this particular crush to rest knowing that the guy just isn’t into me. This is understandable. Not so understandable as to imply that no guy could be into me. I just understand why this guy isn’t into me. And to better illustrate I’ll say this… He was a lesson in masochism. In fact, he is still a lesson in masochism as he knows I have/had a crush on him which, now that I think about it, explains quite a bit. The avoidance, the quietness, the subtle distain, all of this should have tipped me off that I was being obvious and I hate… HATE to be obvious— especially about things like this.

The real dilemma is my need to understand why I liked him so much, or better yet, why I liked him in the first place. I want to understand why this one was so painful. What was it about him that made me accept the ridiculousness of the whole thing and hold on to it like my life depended on it? I know I am being vague, but I’m having a hard time understanding it myself, so you can imagine how it must be to put it into words.

The point is this, once I figure out that something is bad news, I usually avoid it, but this time I didn’t. I knew this crush was going to end badly. I knew it was going to be different… bad different, but I let myself go there anyway. Why? What the hell was the point? Seriously… what was the point?

I feel degraded and exposed knowing what I know now. I always feel like a complete idiot at the end of an ill fated crush, but this one seems to be particularly harsh. I suppose things like this just happen. There is always one that hurts more than the rest. I guess this one is mine.

Hi *waves*. I haven’t written in a while, but I’m pretty happy with the consistency of the posts on this blog lately. I went through my archives and was shocked by how bitter and far between they were. I was really unhappy working at Vons and it showed unabashedly in my entries. I Know I need to vent—that is just the way I am, but I also think I need to be a little more thoughtful and constructive about it. I’m a person who thinks about things and works them mentally until they turn into puddles of bruised jelly. I overwork and overanalyze things all the time, and it is to my detriment. I suppose it was just the anger talking in those entries although I still haven’t quite figured out what I was angry about. It is a very disconcerting feeling to be angry and not know why. It’s like prison.

Anyway, my mother and I had a fight last week. We just don’t know how to communicate with each other. Or better yet, we communicate in the same way which is bad, because we both hate the way the other communicates. I don’t know if you could even call it communicating as neither of us understands where the other is coming from and we don’t get anywhere when we try. Talking to my mother is like talking to a brick wall and I imagine the same can be said for me. I try very hard not to be stubborn, but it happens. I don’t want to be stubborn, I want to be accommodating and compromising, but when one is constantly attacking you, turning the other cheek gets old fast.

My mother is the kind of person who will do things that she thinks is in the person’s best interest even if that person asked her not to do anything. It is a combination of “I know what’s best” syndrome mixed with an innate need to control everything around her. I suppose she feels completely out of control on the inside so she tries desperately to control everything on the outside. It’s very much like an anorexic only without the starvation.

But yes, she is upset with me for the simple reason that I do not want to do everything she says anymore. I am asserting my independence and it’s freaking her the fuck out. I understand that she needs control, but she has to understand that I need space. We’ve been together so long; Quiana and I have always let her take charge (much longer than any normal child/parent relationship), so now that we want to make decisions for ourselves without her telling us what to do… well, let’s just say it is too much for her to handle.

I think my mother is one of those people who never should have had kids. She just isn’t cut out for it. I don’t mean to say that she is a bad parent. She isn’t. She just doesn’t know how to relinquish control and understand that Children grow up and become adults. The childhood part is fine; it’s the growing up part that she can’t handle. I think she would have been so happy if Quiana and I had stayed 4 and 8 years old forever.