Anger Management

Hi *waves*. I haven’t written in a while, but I’m pretty happy with the consistency of the posts on this blog lately. I went through my archives and was shocked by how bitter and far between they were. I was really unhappy working at Vons and it showed unabashedly in my entries. I Know I need to vent—that is just the way I am, but I also think I need to be a little more thoughtful and constructive about it. I’m a person who thinks about things and works them mentally until they turn into puddles of bruised jelly. I overwork and overanalyze things all the time, and it is to my detriment. I suppose it was just the anger talking in those entries although I still haven’t quite figured out what I was angry about. It is a very disconcerting feeling to be angry and not know why. It’s like prison.

Anyway, my mother and I had a fight last week. We just don’t know how to communicate with each other. Or better yet, we communicate in the same way which is bad, because we both hate the way the other communicates. I don’t know if you could even call it communicating as neither of us understands where the other is coming from and we don’t get anywhere when we try. Talking to my mother is like talking to a brick wall and I imagine the same can be said for me. I try very hard not to be stubborn, but it happens. I don’t want to be stubborn, I want to be accommodating and compromising, but when one is constantly attacking you, turning the other cheek gets old fast.

My mother is the kind of person who will do things that she thinks is in the person’s best interest even if that person asked her not to do anything. It is a combination of “I know what’s best” syndrome mixed with an innate need to control everything around her. I suppose she feels completely out of control on the inside so she tries desperately to control everything on the outside. It’s very much like an anorexic only without the starvation.

But yes, she is upset with me for the simple reason that I do not want to do everything she says anymore. I am asserting my independence and it’s freaking her the fuck out. I understand that she needs control, but she has to understand that I need space. We’ve been together so long; Quiana and I have always let her take charge (much longer than any normal child/parent relationship), so now that we want to make decisions for ourselves without her telling us what to do… well, let’s just say it is too much for her to handle.

I think my mother is one of those people who never should have had kids. She just isn’t cut out for it. I don’t mean to say that she is a bad parent. She isn’t. She just doesn’t know how to relinquish control and understand that Children grow up and become adults. The childhood part is fine; it’s the growing up part that she can’t handle. I think she would have been so happy if Quiana and I had stayed 4 and 8 years old forever.