April 2006 Archives
Hi *waves*. So my attempts at being an adult have failed miserably. I don’t know if I told you all this, but I am (was) in the process of letting go of my childish ways and becoming an “adult”. Being the notorious late bloomer that I am, I figured it was about time I got off my lazy ass, stop hiding in my child-like shell and try to be a social, normal “woman”. Needless to say… it isn’t going well.
I figure (this is just a guestimate) that I have the maturation level of a 14 year old. Yeah, I think I pretty much stopped progressing on an intellectual level around there. For it not, why do I do and say stupid things and always make the wrong decision much like a puberty ridden teenaged girl. Do you know how frustrating it is to be 25, technically feel 25 but still do idiot things that make it obvious that you really aren’t 25? I want so much to be a responsible adult, but I am not responsible which is funny because I was much more mature when I was younger.
It’s like I’m devolving or something. The more I put myself out there in the world, the more immature and ridiculous I get. I don’t understand it. Or maybe I do understand it. I was in my own little world when I was a teenager. Only a select few even got there foot in the door as far as knowing what I was really thinking or feeling. I was very isolated. Maybe I wasn’t as mature as I thought I was. Maybe being out in the real world is showing just that. I had nothing to compare my maturity to, so how was I really supposed to know. Jeez… that is disturbing. All this time I found comfort in what I thought was the fact that I had been mature at one time. Here I am telling myself that I am devolving, when really I’m not. I was never evolved in the first place. I’ve always been a cave… umm… person. Wow… that sucks.
Needless to say, I am having a bad spell right now. I feel like a failure. My life isn’t in the place I think it should be and I’m depressed about it. It’s funny to look back and think about all the aspirations one has when one is a child. Children talk about being doctors, policemen or firemen. The sky is the limit, nothing is holding them back, and they can do anything. Then life starts. They get thrust into society and have to navigate complex social standards and give themselves over to that innate need to belong. So they start changing themselves. They bury and purge all the things that make them different even if they are the things that make them happy. They start listening to their friends and their parents who have very different ideas about what they think said person should be. It is amazing how you are born a person, complete with ideas and thoughts of your own that bring you supreme happiness, then die the complete opposite of what you once were—shattered and unhappy. I envy those who can withstand the pressure and stay true to their bliss. I wish I was one of those people, but I am consumed with a want to be normal and belong. I don’t even know what makes me happy anymore. I am destroyed.
It’s good that I am able to vent about these things like this. I didn’t have this luxury when I was a teenager so I kept everything bottled up inside. That is probably why I thought I was so mature. I was holding on to all these dark and twisted thoughts. I could float through the day with a mask of persona on fooling everyone. I took a sick pleasure in being able to do that and play the part of someone I was not. I think the only time the pressure really started to get to me is when I started fucking up in school. I think subconsciously, that was my way of letting a crack in the porcelain show. I was letting everyone know that eventually, all the shit they dumped on me would make me break.
It is so fucking true that hindsight is 20/20. I didn’t really understand why school was so hard for me. It had nothing to do with not wanting an education. It was the social pressure. When I entered High School we had a class of 6,000 freshmen, all trapped together in one school. If you didn’t break off into a clique you were eaten by the wolves. Well, I am not a clique person so of course I was left in the big scary woods by my lonesome. I consider myself fairly hardcore. I’m not a fucking wimp or anything, but wearing that mask of persona can only camouflage you for so long. Not that I stayed around long enough to find out what happens when the mask melts and you are exposed. No, I did what I do best… escape.
