May 2006 Archives

1. A track from your early childhood:
You make Loving Fun – Fleetwood Mac.

2. A track that you associate with your first love:
I Love You – Sarah Mclachlan.

3. A track that reminds you of a holiday:
America The Beautiful – Ray Charles

4. A track that you like but wouldn’t want to be associated with in public:
The Distance – Evan and Jaron.

5. A track that accompanied you when you were lovesick:
Wreak of the Day – Anna Nalick

6. A track that you have probably listened to most often:
Mona Lisa – Britney Spears.

7. A track that highlights your favorite instrument:
Paradiso – Yoko Kanno

8. A track that represents one of your favorite bands:
It could be Sweet – Portishead

9. A track which represents you best:
Biscuit - Portishead

10. A track that reminds you of a special occasion:
Here and Now – Luther Vandross

11. A track that you can relax to:
Anything by Sade

12. A track that stands for a really good time in your life:
I Love Little Girls – Oingo Boingo

13. A track that is currently your favorite:
Sidewinder – Avenged Sevenfold

14. A track that you'd dedicate to your best friend:
Camisado – Panic! At the Disco.

15. A track that you think nobody but you likes:
Playing with the Boys – Kenny Loggins

16. A track that you especially like for its lyrics:
Time to Dance – Panic! At the Disco

17. A track that you like that is neither English or Japanese:
Valse De Luna (It’s Portuguese)

18. A track that lets you release tension best:
Liar - Korn

19. A track that you want to be played at your funeral:
Witness – Sarah McLachlan

20. A track that you'd nominate for "the best of all times" category
I Only Have Eyes for You – The Flamingos

What the hell is it about data entry that is so freaking mind numbing? I just don’t understand it. You’d think that simply entering data into a database or whatever would be so easy, but it’s just the most horrible thing I have ever done in my life. I am literally falling asleep. I wasn’t tired before I started this, but now I can barely keep my eyes open. And yes I know it is purely psychological, but what the hell is so terrible about this task that it automatically kicks my brain into boredom mode and makes me want to take a thousand year nap? Seriously, I don’t get it. But yes, here I am writing an entry in the middle of a work day to try and shake off the heavy eye syndrome that seems to have taken over my body.

Something weird has been happening to me lately. You all remember the good old days when I was flush with inspiration and had a wicked case of insomnia. Well, it seems my insomnia is on a vacation. I’m not having much trouble sleeping at all anymore. If fact, I sleep a lot… I mean a lot. And you know what? It’s wonderful. Although I am sad that I don’t have insomnia as one of my claims to fame anymore, it’s nice to finally be able to sleep and have my mind be quiet for a couple of hours. I would usually stay up all night, on the computer or watching TV, or just lying in my bed staring at the ceiling as all these thoughts and voices zigzagged through my brain at breakneck speed. I would even lie in my bed and try to remember the words to old songs I hadn’t heard in ages. I’d keep singing quietly until I got the entire song right. I know… I’m strange.

Anyway, so yeah, I’m pretty much going to bed at 10pm now, even on weekends. And I find myself fighting sleep while I watch my favorite late night cartoons. I eventually give in as they are reruns and I’ve seen them all at least 6 times, but still. I miss being the only one up at 4 in the morning. I miss the cloak of darkness that surrounded me with only the cold light of my computer screen for illumination. I suppose it was silly of me, but I felt like insomnia was one of the badges of burden one who is depressed has to wear. And now that I don’t have it… does that mean that I’m not in the club anymore? Have the other depressed bloggers picked up the scent of sleep on me and shunned me from the group? Am I out in the cold and freezing, but sleeping very well considering? And most importantly, am I not depressed anymore?

Well, now I know I’ve gone too far. If it wasn’t for my Zoloft I would be tucked in the fetal position crying my eyes out and hold up in a corner of my room right now. I know that if I didn’t have the Zoloft and the hormones I wouldn’t be able to function. Sometimes I try to think about what it would be like to go back to that place. I mean really go back, not just the minor meltdowns I had at Christmas, but seriously going back to that dark murky place when I was at the lowest point in my depression. I think even if I got off the Zoloft now I wouldn’t be in that place anymore… at least not for the first year or so, but I am a very unhappy person. I fight to find a reason to exist everyday. Eventually, I would get back there as I wouldn’t be able to find reasons to keep going. I would just fade away. Maybe that is my destiny, to just fade away into darkness. Maybe it is senseless to try and fight it with prescription pills and synthetic hormones.

If that is the reason for my existence; to be a person who endures sadness in the world, then my life would not be wasted and I would not be a failure as I would have fulfilled my purpose. If that is truly the case, I should just relax, let go and let the darkness take me.

1. Who was your first prom date?
Didn’t go to Prom.

2. Who was your first roommate?
My sister and I have always lived together so maybe it’s her.

3. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk the first time?
Red Wolf Beer and Vodka Shooters

4. What was your first job?
Working at Sears.

5. What was your first car?
Honda.

6. When did you go to your first funeral?
I believe I was six and it was my Uncle Freddie’s funeral. It was in a Baptist Church and they had a viewing of the body. He was all green and bloated from the embalming. I throw up.

7. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown?
18

8. Who was your first grade teacher?
Her name was Mrs. Black (ironic, I know) and she was a racist. She tried to convince the school that I was retarded and accused me of stealing a cookie.

9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane?
Las Vegas.

10. When you sneaked out of your house for the first time, who was it with?
My ex boyfriend, Jonathan.

11. Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends?
My first real best friend was Amber George. She was this perfect blonde, hazel-eyed girl who took ballet and was dating the guy I had a crush on. I wanted to be her. We lost touch after Junior high.

12. Where was your first sleepover?
My mother didn’t allow us to go to sleepovers.

13. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day?
I don’t call anyone.

14. Whose wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid, groomsmen, flowergirl, usher?
I've never been in a wedding, although I've attended plenty.

15. What is the first thing you do in the morning?
Hit the snooze button.

16. What was the first concert you ever went to?
Tori Amos

17. First tattoo or piercing?
My mother got my ears pierced when I was a new born. I got my second ear piercing when I was 14. Then I got a third in the upper cartilage of my right ear. I let that one close a few years ago. I don’t have any tats, but that will change soon. I plan to get one on my right shoulder within the next three months.

18. First celebrity crush?
Tom Cruise (shiver).

19. Age of first real kiss with tongue?
13

20. First crush?
A boy in my first grade class named Dane. He had the clearest blue eyes and dark, almost black hair. He died in a car accident a few years ago. He was on his skateboard and got hit by a truck.

21. First REAL love?
Never been in love.

22. How old are you?
25

23. What’s your zodiac sign?
Leo

24. What kind of music do you listen to?
Everything.

25. Straight, bi, gay? (all)
Straight

26. What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for love?
Spent 7 years with someone I thought I was in love with, but wasn’t.

27. how many times have you been heartbroken?
Once.

28. who’s your best friend?
Don’t have one.

29. Do you have more friends IRL or online?
I have one Online friend and that is Jackie. Other than that I don’t have friends, I have acquaintances.

30. Do you like pizza? What is your favorite toppings?
Yes. Pepperoni and olives

31. Do you like your job?
Right now, I hate it.

32. What’s your favorite tv show?
Supernatural.

33. Are you currently in love?
I think I could fall in love with a certain person, but I don’t know them well enough to say I love them. Besides, they would never let me get that close. They're just not into me.

34. Cats or dogs? Both?
Both, but I own a bird.

I suppose I could be working right now, but I just can’t bring myself to engage my brain and stop being lazy. Maybe it’s because it’s Friday and I am looking forward to my weekend filled with Sushi and Anime DVDs from Netflix.

Yes, that is what I consider a fun filled weekend—all sorts of Japanese goodies. Did I mention that I’m trying to teach myself Japanese? Every time I tell people that, they look at me like I’m crazy and tell me how hard Japanese is to learn. Duh! I know that, but where there is a will there is a way. I think I am being pretty unconventional about my approach as I am using J-Pop and J-Rock to get my feet wet. I can’t really use Anime as I am so fond of so many American and Canadian voice actors that I just can’t get into the story if I’m not hearing them speak for the characters I associate with them. I am weird that way.

But yes, I love J-pop and J-Rock, so why not use that to teach myself a rather difficult language. What I’m doing is using the English translation to identify words and pronunciations in Japanese that correlate. I find myself picking up words here and there, but I’m not sure if it’s really going to work. In fact, I might be shooting myself in the foot and slowing down any progress I might make using a traditional method. It is food for thought. I might just break down and by one of those learn on tape type deals, but I would feel really accomplished if I taught myself. My sister has already been to Japan and I want to go someday, and when I do, I want to be able to speak the language fluently. My worst fear is being an obvious “tourist”. That is not cool.

I know now that I have aspirations to travel. I haven’t really been many places and have never been out of the United States. I don’t want to be one of those people who haven’t seen anything but their own back yard. I think I’m a little boring as I haven’t traveled very much. Seeing the world and being exposed to different people and cultures makes you a better person with a better understanding world that surrounds us. Not just understanding the world, but understanding you as well. You find out a lot about whom you are and what your purpose is in the universe by taking the risk and spending sometime in unfamiliar surroundings.

I think at my core I am a solitary traveler. I would get so much more out of the experience if the only person I had to depend on was me. You know, the whole stranger in a strange land type deal. However, I am a very fearful person. I am ashamed to admit it, but fear governs a great percentage of my life. I just don’t have faith in myself, so going to a strange country on my own would be terrifying for me. I feel like it is something I need to do, but I don’t know how I’m going to work myself up to doing it. Plus I have a tendency to get lost. I’m sure that is tied up in my not trusting me as well. I’m always, always second guessing myself. I just don’t trust my own instincts.

Having faith in my own judgment is something I need to work on. A couple of post ago I said I always make the wrong decision. But maybe I don’t always make the wrong choice. Maybe second guessing myself is what’s tripping me up all the time. I don’t trust myself, so I do the opposite of the original choice and fuck everything up.

It’s going to be hard breaking that habit. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always thought that way. How does one change the way they think without changing who they are? Will this make me a better person, the person I want to be or will “Tiffany” cease to exist in the corporeal sense.

I don’t know. I am getting too deep even for me, but it is worth thinking about. Maybe this is my first step in the journey to achieve the evolution of me.

The T-1 is down in my office right now and I am bored. I’m shocked to realize how much I depend on the internet to do my job. Literally, all work has stopped for pretty much everyone because we all need the internet to do what we have to do today. We can’t send e-mail; we can’t access webpages—nothing. It totally sucks. This is a little disconcerting for me as I have recently gotten into the habit of priding myself on shaking my addiction to the internet which had plagued me for so many years.

You all remember how it started. I was 18 going on 19—a deprived child who grow up with very little TV, no video games, and an obscenely out of date computer which I used only to play Tai-pai. Then (magically) an internet capable computer appeared in our home. It seems my mother finally decided to get us out of the dark ages and buy something that was made after I was born… and so my love affair with computers and web design began. It was a budding romance full of mystery and excitement. I was timid at first, it was my first time, you know. But soon, I pushed my inhibitions aside and opened myself up to it… a Gateway desktop.

You know, now that I think about it. It wasn’t all that romantic. I mean yes, it was exciting to discover something I had heard some much about, but never experienced, but we have to remember—that Gateway was a hand-me-down with a modem connection of about 28kps, a 1.5 gig hard drive and a virus that fucked up my new computer once I upgraded (I had to reinstall windows from scratch). I mean yeah, it did what I asked it to do as far as design was concerned. It put up with the freaking irritating geocities web-builder. It stayed up with me until the wee hours of the morning, and sometimes longer, when I was violent with inspiration and couldn’t sleep, even if I tried. It was there when I immersed myself into the cryptic world of html. It stored all my beginner coding pages, as cheesy as there where… I guess in all fairness, it was a 50/50 split between the good times and the bad.

Well, needless to say, the gateway and I grew apart. We ended things amicably enough. I mean… I kept the monitor, but seriously. I think looking back on my first computer shows how much I have grown as a person. My expectations have proceeded far beyond that 18 year old girl whose first website was about Star Wars and was hosted on geocities. I own my own domain now; I dabble in PHP and CGI… I am a survivor… a knighted warrior of the technology age! Well… that might be over stating things a little bit, but shit, I’ve paid my dues; I was in it for the long haul; I put up with a fucking 1.5 gig hard drive goddamnit! I deserve some mother fucking respect.

Okay, now that I’ve got that out of the way, I can stop feeling so guilty about not putting as much time as I used to into this domain. I just don’t have the energy anymore. And, as I’ve stated before in previous posts, been there, done that with a lot of web stuff. I’m not the giddy young adult I used to be, obsessed with webrings and making the perfect Britney Spears layout (I hate her now). I’m just not in that place anymore. I want to be in that place. I miss it. It was very carefree. Then again, I didn’t have a job and rent to pay and bills to pay and a car note for a car that isn’t even worth what my mother paid for it. These things weigh you down. They zap your strength and make you realize how completely stupid you were when you were a kid and daydreamed about being an adult.

Like they say, ignorance is bliss… but only if you are sure that you’ll stay that way.