Just Fade Away

What the hell is it about data entry that is so freaking mind numbing? I just don’t understand it. You’d think that simply entering data into a database or whatever would be so easy, but it’s just the most horrible thing I have ever done in my life. I am literally falling asleep. I wasn’t tired before I started this, but now I can barely keep my eyes open. And yes I know it is purely psychological, but what the hell is so terrible about this task that it automatically kicks my brain into boredom mode and makes me want to take a thousand year nap? Seriously, I don’t get it. But yes, here I am writing an entry in the middle of a work day to try and shake off the heavy eye syndrome that seems to have taken over my body.

Something weird has been happening to me lately. You all remember the good old days when I was flush with inspiration and had a wicked case of insomnia. Well, it seems my insomnia is on a vacation. I’m not having much trouble sleeping at all anymore. If fact, I sleep a lot… I mean a lot. And you know what? It’s wonderful. Although I am sad that I don’t have insomnia as one of my claims to fame anymore, it’s nice to finally be able to sleep and have my mind be quiet for a couple of hours. I would usually stay up all night, on the computer or watching TV, or just lying in my bed staring at the ceiling as all these thoughts and voices zigzagged through my brain at breakneck speed. I would even lie in my bed and try to remember the words to old songs I hadn’t heard in ages. I’d keep singing quietly until I got the entire song right. I know… I’m strange.

Anyway, so yeah, I’m pretty much going to bed at 10pm now, even on weekends. And I find myself fighting sleep while I watch my favorite late night cartoons. I eventually give in as they are reruns and I’ve seen them all at least 6 times, but still. I miss being the only one up at 4 in the morning. I miss the cloak of darkness that surrounded me with only the cold light of my computer screen for illumination. I suppose it was silly of me, but I felt like insomnia was one of the badges of burden one who is depressed has to wear. And now that I don’t have it… does that mean that I’m not in the club anymore? Have the other depressed bloggers picked up the scent of sleep on me and shunned me from the group? Am I out in the cold and freezing, but sleeping very well considering? And most importantly, am I not depressed anymore?

Well, now I know I’ve gone too far. If it wasn’t for my Zoloft I would be tucked in the fetal position crying my eyes out and hold up in a corner of my room right now. I know that if I didn’t have the Zoloft and the hormones I wouldn’t be able to function. Sometimes I try to think about what it would be like to go back to that place. I mean really go back, not just the minor meltdowns I had at Christmas, but seriously going back to that dark murky place when I was at the lowest point in my depression. I think even if I got off the Zoloft now I wouldn’t be in that place anymore… at least not for the first year or so, but I am a very unhappy person. I fight to find a reason to exist everyday. Eventually, I would get back there as I wouldn’t be able to find reasons to keep going. I would just fade away. Maybe that is my destiny, to just fade away into darkness. Maybe it is senseless to try and fight it with prescription pills and synthetic hormones.

If that is the reason for my existence; to be a person who endures sadness in the world, then my life would not be wasted and I would not be a failure as I would have fulfilled my purpose. If that is truly the case, I should just relax, let go and let the darkness take me.