The Evolution of Me

I suppose I could be working right now, but I just can’t bring myself to engage my brain and stop being lazy. Maybe it’s because it’s Friday and I am looking forward to my weekend filled with Sushi and Anime DVDs from Netflix.

Yes, that is what I consider a fun filled weekend—all sorts of Japanese goodies. Did I mention that I’m trying to teach myself Japanese? Every time I tell people that, they look at me like I’m crazy and tell me how hard Japanese is to learn. Duh! I know that, but where there is a will there is a way. I think I am being pretty unconventional about my approach as I am using J-Pop and J-Rock to get my feet wet. I can’t really use Anime as I am so fond of so many American and Canadian voice actors that I just can’t get into the story if I’m not hearing them speak for the characters I associate with them. I am weird that way.

But yes, I love J-pop and J-Rock, so why not use that to teach myself a rather difficult language. What I’m doing is using the English translation to identify words and pronunciations in Japanese that correlate. I find myself picking up words here and there, but I’m not sure if it’s really going to work. In fact, I might be shooting myself in the foot and slowing down any progress I might make using a traditional method. It is food for thought. I might just break down and by one of those learn on tape type deals, but I would feel really accomplished if I taught myself. My sister has already been to Japan and I want to go someday, and when I do, I want to be able to speak the language fluently. My worst fear is being an obvious “tourist”. That is not cool.

I know now that I have aspirations to travel. I haven’t really been many places and have never been out of the United States. I don’t want to be one of those people who haven’t seen anything but their own back yard. I think I’m a little boring as I haven’t traveled very much. Seeing the world and being exposed to different people and cultures makes you a better person with a better understanding world that surrounds us. Not just understanding the world, but understanding you as well. You find out a lot about whom you are and what your purpose is in the universe by taking the risk and spending sometime in unfamiliar surroundings.

I think at my core I am a solitary traveler. I would get so much more out of the experience if the only person I had to depend on was me. You know, the whole stranger in a strange land type deal. However, I am a very fearful person. I am ashamed to admit it, but fear governs a great percentage of my life. I just don’t have faith in myself, so going to a strange country on my own would be terrifying for me. I feel like it is something I need to do, but I don’t know how I’m going to work myself up to doing it. Plus I have a tendency to get lost. I’m sure that is tied up in my not trusting me as well. I’m always, always second guessing myself. I just don’t trust my own instincts.

Having faith in my own judgment is something I need to work on. A couple of post ago I said I always make the wrong decision. But maybe I don’t always make the wrong choice. Maybe second guessing myself is what’s tripping me up all the time. I don’t trust myself, so I do the opposite of the original choice and fuck everything up.

It’s going to be hard breaking that habit. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always thought that way. How does one change the way they think without changing who they are? Will this make me a better person, the person I want to be or will “Tiffany” cease to exist in the corporeal sense.

I don’t know. I am getting too deep even for me, but it is worth thinking about. Maybe this is my first step in the journey to achieve the evolution of me.