Make Yourself...

Well, it's been a while since I've written anything even close to a regular post. I've even been slacking on the question and answer type deals I was doing, but when you are buried in work and other real life related things, it is easy to get distracted and put the less important stuff on the back burner for a while. I've needed to focus on other things, which happens sometimes, so I don't feel particularly guilty.

As always, I have big plans for the site and as always I am dragging my ass getting them done. I do want to do a complete overhaul and finally get this thing done. The first step is to get rid of all my other sites. I only have three left now, 1 fansite and 2 fanlisting. Yes, that's right; I am closing down Matt-Czuchry.Com. After all the work I put into it to get it open, I'm shutting that sucker down. I haven't updated in months and although I still enjoy Matt and am still a fan, I am not committed enough to run a fansite anymore. Besides, 5 years was a pretty good run. I'm also closing down the Darth Maul fanlisting. It was fun while it lasted, but it's been years. Time to let that one go and maybe let someone else take it over. The only site (besides this one) that I am keeping is the Matt Czuchry fanlisting. I'm just not ready to give that one up yet. I can't run the fansite anymore, but the fanlisting I think I can handle.

Basically, I'm downsizing everything. I feel this need to purge--to clear any internet clutter that's been a weight on my shoulders. I'm sick of always feeling guilty about not updating a site because I don't have the energy or inclination to do it. That is just stupid. I know I love misery, but it's time for me to get over that shit and stop suffering for the sake of suffering.

I do that a lot. There is something about mental anguish that is like a drug to me. I suppose it's a part of being depressed for so many years. Like someone with an eating disorder, you starve yourself for so long that you get hooked on the hunger. I guess I'm hooked on the suffering. There is something about it--when I get into a dark place that makes it very hard for me to get out. I just sit there and let the darkness consume me. I don't understand it.

As soon as my insurance kicks in at work, I'm going to go to a therapist. I haven't been to one since I was 9 and tried to kill myself. I really need someone to talk to. I am very isolated. The more I venture out into the real world, the more apparent that becomes to me. Nothing ever touches me and it's not like I don't want it to--I want to be normal. There is just something about me, maybe a habit I cannot identify that has developed that just keeps me separated. I need someone to look at me without an emotional connection and really help me figure out why I cling to this isolation. What is it in my subconscious that makes me stay on the outside looking in? I know that part of it is that I don't like myself very much and I think that if I reveal too much to people, they will see my flaws and dislike me too. It feels like a no-win situation.

I am very flawed, so it's hard for me to try and be confident when I know everything that I know about myself. I know that I should be easier on myself and focus on the good things, but I also believe in being realistic and not having delusions about yourself or the world around. That is a very tough place to be when you are trying to build your self-esteem.

In any case, I'm still in the process of trying to make myself into something. I don't know if I will ever get over this feeling of incompleteness. My trying to make myself might very well be a waste of time as I may never feel "finished", however, I am compelled to pursue this. Maybe I am replacing one addition with another. Instead of obsessing over suffering and darkness, I am now obsessing over not obsessing. Like I said, it is a no-win situation.