Recently in Depressed Musing Category

I feel like I need to write something, but to no one's surprise, I have no idea what to write.

I suppose it's the anticipation of the winter. I have all this holiday vacation time spread out before me and as always I want to make the most of it and use it to get my web stuff in order... however, that never happens. I end up wasting the time away sleeping or watching pointless things on TV when I could be spending that valuable time coding something.

I hate coding.

I used to love it because it made me feel accomplished, but when you look back at the past and realize you've been doing this web design thing for going on ten years, you understand why the act of typing html code doesn't have the same warm and fuzzy feeling it used to. Not to mention that I'm a dinosaur compared to the new blood on the net and my html is proof of that. I find myself on the tail-end of the cutting edge, trying to fully understand xhtml, div layers, and code validation.

I feel defunct...I feel out of date and spoiled like something that needs to be flushed down the garbage disposal.

It's amazing to me how fast this year has gone by. Not that I'm complaining or anything. I've had many shitty years and this one is going to go down in the record books as the worst yet. Everything has been a struggle, I've gotten nothing but bad news, the road has gotten rockier and I know there is a lesson to be learned, there always is, but I can't seemed to fucking see it. I desperately look to 2008 to be a better year and get me back on track. It's undiscovered, so for right now it holds nothing but the brightest possibilities and I need that if I'm going to keep on keeping on.

I think some of my ho-hum attitude stems from my struggling with Chapter 11 of This is Absolution. It was so easy to write Proof of Life; the words just poured out of me, but this one is really hard. Maybe it's because it's not just about Chase and Claudia anymore. I have a slew of characters that need to be fleshed out and an intricate plot that is developing and changing all the time. I know that once I get Chase and Claudia in the same room together things will get easier, but it's killing me to have to write about the other characters and move the plot along without sounding forced. It's not that I don't like writing the other characters or that they have no importance to me; I just know Chase and Claude so well... It makes things difficult.

Anyway, the plan is to get the chapter online by Thanksgiving Day or the day after and add some new content here. I'll also continue changing the site html over to xhtml as I cannot stand not driving or at least being on the bandwagon with all the other web children.

I'm a sucker for conformity.

Fall is coming and I'm thankful for it. The summer hasn't been very good to me, but then again, maybe I haven't been very good to it.

In any case, this has been a pretty difficult year. Illnesses that I thought I could hold off on for a little longer are starting to catch up with me and I feel myself thinking increasingly dark thoughts which are never a good sign. It's upsetting to me that I could be 27 and already on my way to full blown diabetes, but you know, that's just the sort of shit that happens to me.

It always seems that the worst that could happen does and I'm just stuck sitting there watching things fall down around me and waiting for the other shoe to drop... and it will drop. It never fails to do that.

I could chalk this up to going through a funk and I suppose I could be proactive and do something about it now, but it's been a while since I've been on anti-depressants and it costs too much to see a therapist or psychiatrist with my insurance so I guess I'll have to let it ride.

Besides, it's been sometime since I've lain with misery and I must admit that I miss its dark company.

Went to the company picnic last Saturday. Stayed for about three hours, then left cause the kids were getting cranky. Found out on Monday that I'd won a $100 American Express gift card at the raffle later that day, but I wasn't there to get it.

The one time I actually win something and I'm too busy at home recuperating from babysitting cranky kids.

I'm pissed.

Well, it's been a while since I've written anything even close to a regular post. I've even been slacking on the question and answer type deals I was doing, but when you are buried in work and other real life related things, it is easy to get distracted and put the less important stuff on the back burner for a while. I've needed to focus on other things, which happens sometimes, so I don't feel particularly guilty.

As always, I have big plans for the site and as always I am dragging my ass getting them done. I do want to do a complete overhaul and finally get this thing done. The first step is to get rid of all my other sites. I only have three left now, 1 fansite and 2 fanlisting. Yes, that's right; I am closing down Matt-Czuchry.Com. After all the work I put into it to get it open, I'm shutting that sucker down. I haven't updated in months and although I still enjoy Matt and am still a fan, I am not committed enough to run a fansite anymore. Besides, 5 years was a pretty good run. I'm also closing down the Darth Maul fanlisting. It was fun while it lasted, but it's been years. Time to let that one go and maybe let someone else take it over. The only site (besides this one) that I am keeping is the Matt Czuchry fanlisting. I'm just not ready to give that one up yet. I can't run the fansite anymore, but the fanlisting I think I can handle.

Basically, I'm downsizing everything. I feel this need to purge--to clear any internet clutter that's been a weight on my shoulders. I'm sick of always feeling guilty about not updating a site because I don't have the energy or inclination to do it. That is just stupid. I know I love misery, but it's time for me to get over that shit and stop suffering for the sake of suffering.

I do that a lot. There is something about mental anguish that is like a drug to me. I suppose it's a part of being depressed for so many years. Like someone with an eating disorder, you starve yourself for so long that you get hooked on the hunger. I guess I'm hooked on the suffering. There is something about it--when I get into a dark place that makes it very hard for me to get out. I just sit there and let the darkness consume me. I don't understand it.

As soon as my insurance kicks in at work, I'm going to go to a therapist. I haven't been to one since I was 9 and tried to kill myself. I really need someone to talk to. I am very isolated. The more I venture out into the real world, the more apparent that becomes to me. Nothing ever touches me and it's not like I don't want it to--I want to be normal. There is just something about me, maybe a habit I cannot identify that has developed that just keeps me separated. I need someone to look at me without an emotional connection and really help me figure out why I cling to this isolation. What is it in my subconscious that makes me stay on the outside looking in? I know that part of it is that I don't like myself very much and I think that if I reveal too much to people, they will see my flaws and dislike me too. It feels like a no-win situation.

I am very flawed, so it's hard for me to try and be confident when I know everything that I know about myself. I know that I should be easier on myself and focus on the good things, but I also believe in being realistic and not having delusions about yourself or the world around. That is a very tough place to be when you are trying to build your self-esteem.

In any case, I'm still in the process of trying to make myself into something. I don't know if I will ever get over this feeling of incompleteness. My trying to make myself might very well be a waste of time as I may never feel "finished", however, I am compelled to pursue this. Maybe I am replacing one addition with another. Instead of obsessing over suffering and darkness, I am now obsessing over not obsessing. Like I said, it is a no-win situation.

What the hell is it about data entry that is so freaking mind numbing? I just don’t understand it. You’d think that simply entering data into a database or whatever would be so easy, but it’s just the most horrible thing I have ever done in my life. I am literally falling asleep. I wasn’t tired before I started this, but now I can barely keep my eyes open. And yes I know it is purely psychological, but what the hell is so terrible about this task that it automatically kicks my brain into boredom mode and makes me want to take a thousand year nap? Seriously, I don’t get it. But yes, here I am writing an entry in the middle of a work day to try and shake off the heavy eye syndrome that seems to have taken over my body.

Something weird has been happening to me lately. You all remember the good old days when I was flush with inspiration and had a wicked case of insomnia. Well, it seems my insomnia is on a vacation. I’m not having much trouble sleeping at all anymore. If fact, I sleep a lot… I mean a lot. And you know what? It’s wonderful. Although I am sad that I don’t have insomnia as one of my claims to fame anymore, it’s nice to finally be able to sleep and have my mind be quiet for a couple of hours. I would usually stay up all night, on the computer or watching TV, or just lying in my bed staring at the ceiling as all these thoughts and voices zigzagged through my brain at breakneck speed. I would even lie in my bed and try to remember the words to old songs I hadn’t heard in ages. I’d keep singing quietly until I got the entire song right. I know… I’m strange.

Anyway, so yeah, I’m pretty much going to bed at 10pm now, even on weekends. And I find myself fighting sleep while I watch my favorite late night cartoons. I eventually give in as they are reruns and I’ve seen them all at least 6 times, but still. I miss being the only one up at 4 in the morning. I miss the cloak of darkness that surrounded me with only the cold light of my computer screen for illumination. I suppose it was silly of me, but I felt like insomnia was one of the badges of burden one who is depressed has to wear. And now that I don’t have it… does that mean that I’m not in the club anymore? Have the other depressed bloggers picked up the scent of sleep on me and shunned me from the group? Am I out in the cold and freezing, but sleeping very well considering? And most importantly, am I not depressed anymore?

Well, now I know I’ve gone too far. If it wasn’t for my Zoloft I would be tucked in the fetal position crying my eyes out and hold up in a corner of my room right now. I know that if I didn’t have the Zoloft and the hormones I wouldn’t be able to function. Sometimes I try to think about what it would be like to go back to that place. I mean really go back, not just the minor meltdowns I had at Christmas, but seriously going back to that dark murky place when I was at the lowest point in my depression. I think even if I got off the Zoloft now I wouldn’t be in that place anymore… at least not for the first year or so, but I am a very unhappy person. I fight to find a reason to exist everyday. Eventually, I would get back there as I wouldn’t be able to find reasons to keep going. I would just fade away. Maybe that is my destiny, to just fade away into darkness. Maybe it is senseless to try and fight it with prescription pills and synthetic hormones.

If that is the reason for my existence; to be a person who endures sadness in the world, then my life would not be wasted and I would not be a failure as I would have fulfilled my purpose. If that is truly the case, I should just relax, let go and let the darkness take me.

Hi *waves*. So my attempts at being an adult have failed miserably. I don’t know if I told you all this, but I am (was) in the process of letting go of my childish ways and becoming an “adult”. Being the notorious late bloomer that I am, I figured it was about time I got off my lazy ass, stop hiding in my child-like shell and try to be a social, normal “woman”. Needless to say… it isn’t going well.

I figure (this is just a guestimate) that I have the maturation level of a 14 year old. Yeah, I think I pretty much stopped progressing on an intellectual level around there. For it not, why do I do and say stupid things and always make the wrong decision much like a puberty ridden teenaged girl. Do you know how frustrating it is to be 25, technically feel 25 but still do idiot things that make it obvious that you really aren’t 25? I want so much to be a responsible adult, but I am not responsible which is funny because I was much more mature when I was younger.

It’s like I’m devolving or something. The more I put myself out there in the world, the more immature and ridiculous I get. I don’t understand it. Or maybe I do understand it. I was in my own little world when I was a teenager. Only a select few even got there foot in the door as far as knowing what I was really thinking or feeling. I was very isolated. Maybe I wasn’t as mature as I thought I was. Maybe being out in the real world is showing just that. I had nothing to compare my maturity to, so how was I really supposed to know. Jeez… that is disturbing. All this time I found comfort in what I thought was the fact that I had been mature at one time. Here I am telling myself that I am devolving, when really I’m not. I was never evolved in the first place. I’ve always been a cave… umm… person. Wow… that sucks.

Needless to say, I am having a bad spell right now. I feel like a failure. My life isn’t in the place I think it should be and I’m depressed about it. It’s funny to look back and think about all the aspirations one has when one is a child. Children talk about being doctors, policemen or firemen. The sky is the limit, nothing is holding them back, and they can do anything. Then life starts. They get thrust into society and have to navigate complex social standards and give themselves over to that innate need to belong. So they start changing themselves. They bury and purge all the things that make them different even if they are the things that make them happy. They start listening to their friends and their parents who have very different ideas about what they think said person should be. It is amazing how you are born a person, complete with ideas and thoughts of your own that bring you supreme happiness, then die the complete opposite of what you once were—shattered and unhappy. I envy those who can withstand the pressure and stay true to their bliss. I wish I was one of those people, but I am consumed with a want to be normal and belong. I don’t even know what makes me happy anymore. I am destroyed.

It’s good that I am able to vent about these things like this. I didn’t have this luxury when I was a teenager so I kept everything bottled up inside. That is probably why I thought I was so mature. I was holding on to all these dark and twisted thoughts. I could float through the day with a mask of persona on fooling everyone. I took a sick pleasure in being able to do that and play the part of someone I was not. I think the only time the pressure really started to get to me is when I started fucking up in school. I think subconsciously, that was my way of letting a crack in the porcelain show. I was letting everyone know that eventually, all the shit they dumped on me would make me break.

It is so fucking true that hindsight is 20/20. I didn’t really understand why school was so hard for me. It had nothing to do with not wanting an education. It was the social pressure. When I entered High School we had a class of 6,000 freshmen, all trapped together in one school. If you didn’t break off into a clique you were eaten by the wolves. Well, I am not a clique person so of course I was left in the big scary woods by my lonesome. I consider myself fairly hardcore. I’m not a fucking wimp or anything, but wearing that mask of persona can only camouflage you for so long. Not that I stayed around long enough to find out what happens when the mask melts and you are exposed. No, I did what I do best… escape.

Hi * waves*. So, we are coming up on 2006. Do you remember, back in the 50’s when everyone thought we’d be living on Mars by the year 2000? I bet people who didn’t live to see 2000 come and go would be pretty disappointed in us now. It appears we aren’t really a forward thinking people. We’ve made leaps and bounds as far as personal entertainment is concerned (the new I-Pods for one), but as far as reaching out to the stars—the stuff of Gene Rodenberry’s dreams… we have failed miserably.

I suppose it’s to be expected. After all, we are human and humans aren’t known for being particularly smart (I’m very good at this self-loathing thing, aren’t I?). But even I would have expected to be farther along than this. I know that is rich coming from a notoriously late bloomer like myself, but I figure I am just a microcosm of the world at large. Humans are late bloomers by nature. We always seem to be playing catch up to the rest of nature’s creatures. The only thing that sets us apart is that we are at the top of the food chain and only because we have deposable thumbs. It’s kind of sad really. When you think about the nature of evolution (if you believe in it, which I do), you see that it doesn’t usually fix what isn’t broken. Crocodiles have stayed unchanged for millions of years. They are influenced by outside forces, their habitat is constantly changing thanks to human development, but still, they are unfazed. They are the perfect killing machine—divine in their perfection and propensity for destruction while still providing a valuable service to nature (weeding out the weak to make the herd stronger).

They are fascinating creatures, but also serve to show us our flaws. Humans are constantly changing because in essence, we are broken. Our pinky toes are getting increasingly smaller. Why? Not quite sure, but nature thinks we don’t need them anymore, so she is phasing those fuckers out. And, deep down, we know we are broken too. That is why we have this innate need to drill down the I-Pod to its most perfect state. We are desperate for control of our imperfection, therefore we strive to perfect the things around us in hopes that the perfection will prove our value or rub off on us. Could we use the initiative we use on video games to fuel our exploration into space? Sure we could, but why bother when the Graphic Geeks at Pixar will create a virtual universe for us. No muss, no fuss, no math… its genius.

I guess I’m just discontent with the fact that another year has gone by and I still have done nothing with my life. I really shouldn’t get down on myself. I’m just doing what humans do. Unfortunately I’m a little more forward thinking than that, so my being par is bothering me.

I got invited to a few parties this weekend to ring in another New Year. I may go, I may not. It depends. I’d probably be a little more enthusiastic about it if I had a date, but alas, no such luck. Maybe I’ll stay home with the parental unit, drink vodka mixers and watch Anime. God, that sounds pathetic and fun all at the same time.