Recently in Family Drama Category

Hi *waves*. I haven’t written in a while, but I’m pretty happy with the consistency of the posts on this blog lately. I went through my archives and was shocked by how bitter and far between they were. I was really unhappy working at Vons and it showed unabashedly in my entries. I Know I need to vent—that is just the way I am, but I also think I need to be a little more thoughtful and constructive about it. I’m a person who thinks about things and works them mentally until they turn into puddles of bruised jelly. I overwork and overanalyze things all the time, and it is to my detriment. I suppose it was just the anger talking in those entries although I still haven’t quite figured out what I was angry about. It is a very disconcerting feeling to be angry and not know why. It’s like prison.

Anyway, my mother and I had a fight last week. We just don’t know how to communicate with each other. Or better yet, we communicate in the same way which is bad, because we both hate the way the other communicates. I don’t know if you could even call it communicating as neither of us understands where the other is coming from and we don’t get anywhere when we try. Talking to my mother is like talking to a brick wall and I imagine the same can be said for me. I try very hard not to be stubborn, but it happens. I don’t want to be stubborn, I want to be accommodating and compromising, but when one is constantly attacking you, turning the other cheek gets old fast.

My mother is the kind of person who will do things that she thinks is in the person’s best interest even if that person asked her not to do anything. It is a combination of “I know what’s best” syndrome mixed with an innate need to control everything around her. I suppose she feels completely out of control on the inside so she tries desperately to control everything on the outside. It’s very much like an anorexic only without the starvation.

But yes, she is upset with me for the simple reason that I do not want to do everything she says anymore. I am asserting my independence and it’s freaking her the fuck out. I understand that she needs control, but she has to understand that I need space. We’ve been together so long; Quiana and I have always let her take charge (much longer than any normal child/parent relationship), so now that we want to make decisions for ourselves without her telling us what to do… well, let’s just say it is too much for her to handle.

I think my mother is one of those people who never should have had kids. She just isn’t cut out for it. I don’t mean to say that she is a bad parent. She isn’t. She just doesn’t know how to relinquish control and understand that Children grow up and become adults. The childhood part is fine; it’s the growing up part that she can’t handle. I think she would have been so happy if Quiana and I had stayed 4 and 8 years old forever.

Hi *waves*. I haven’t written in a while, mostly because I’ve been dealing with shit. My dad has become a bit of a hand full. For a minute there I thought the stroke would knock some sense into him and make him take stock, but it hasn’t. He is still the same tragic, stunted man he was before he had the stroke; only it’s a little worse now. I think he’s lost some of his impulse control… not that he had that much to begin with. All I know is that I’m getting tried of being the mediator between my parents and I’m tried of my mother making everything about her.

I don’t think she understands why I’m reacting the way I am to this whole situation with my dad. I don’t know how she expects me to act. Yes, I have issues with my father. Yes, he isn’t going to win the “Father of the Year” award…ever, but I feel this innate need to take charge and take care of him. Maybe it’s because he really didn’t do that for me and I know how bad it sucks. I think my dad tried, but he had very many demons to battle which didn’t leave much time for his children. I don’t know where those demons came from or why they wanted to torture him so…however, I do know that he lost the war a long time go. This is why I’m kind of pissed at my mom right now. She still doesn’t want to accept the fact that my dad is what he is and he isn’t going to change. She can’t get it through her thick skull that my dad didn’t have a stroke just to spite her and throw her world out of whack—that the world does not and never has revolved around her. Everyone is not out to get her— she is not the end all be all—there are other people on the planet with needs and wants besides her and her massive ego.

I don’t think my dad acts the way that he does on purpose and I think that’s what makes it so sad. I think he knows that he does and says stupid things that hurt people, but it’s like you’re on the outside looking in on yourself being an ass and you don’t know how to stop it. It helps me have a better understanding of my father because I do the same thing. I guess I inherited it from him. But I also inherited my mother’s whip-lash tongue. It’s the selfishness that I inherited from the both of them that I don’t like. Well… I’m not anymore selfish than the next person, but I have my moments. I also work really hard not to be selfish because sometimes I look at my parents and I’m just disgusted with the depth of egotistical stupidity that oozes from their pores. I’m just dumbfounded sometimes. Like, I can’t believe that they can’t see how ridiculous they’re being. I mean, how one could not see that… it’s so freaking obvious! I don’t know—it’s hard to explain, but if you ever have the privilege of having dinner with my parents and watching them interact with each other, you’ll know what I mean. I think what nailed the coffin shut on their marriage was that they were so wrapped up in themselves; they didn’t have time for each other.

Anyway, I think I and they are better off not being married. People think it’s totally weird and unhealthy of me, but I was happy when my parents got divorced. It was finally an end to all the bullshit. Call me incredibly observant for an 8 year old, but I knew their marriage wasn’t going to work and breathed a sigh of relief when they realized it too. I’ve actually had people try to convince me that I’m lying to myself and I really want my parents to get back together—that all children of divorce want their parents to get back together. Umm… sorry, but no. The last thing in the world I want is for my parents to get remarried. Oh my god, I would die. The thought, the sheer thought makes me want to blow chucks.

I just want to be a caretaker. I want to be one of those people that other people can rely on. I really want to conquer any selfishness lurking at the core and be a real giver whom expects nothing in return. I want to take care of my dad without thinking about all the shitty things he’s done to me. I don’t want to dislike him. I already love him, but I want to like him too. Some people may not understand where I’m coming from with this. Considering the history my father and I have, you’d think I’d just deal with the anger and realize that it’s apart of my life. I suppose I’m asking too much to actually want to like my father as a person. But like I always say, you cannot reach perfection… but it doesn’t hurt to try.

Hi * waves*. So it’s been quiet around here lately. And it’s not because I don’t have anything to write about (in fact, I have a great deal to write about); it’s just that I haven’t had time to write. My life has been kind of hectic as of late.

My dad had a stroke about a week ago. I was going to write this long, weeping entry about it, but then changed my mind. I started writing it and it brought up all these feelings that are still very fresh in my mind. Plus, I think the post would have been too personal. Although I pride myself on being very open on this blog, there are some things I just don’t feel comfortable talking about… even to you, dear reader. So that is that. I am fine, my dad is still alive and I can only hope for the best.

So yeah, that is pretty much what has been going on lately. I’ve been trying to work and visit my dad as much as possible and as you can imagine, I am extremely exhausted. All those other times I complained about being tired were bullshit. That was very minor sleep deprivation compared to what I have experienced in the last weeks. I spent the entire weekend just sleeping. I was so tried. And instead of having my usual “Sucker Free Sunday” (I spend my Sunday in my bed, in my room, with my cellphone off and my TV on, just vegging out), I had a “Sucker Free Weekend.” I didn’t want to be bothered with anyone or anything. I just chilled in my room, sleeping, watching TV and enjoying every minute of it. It was great.

I’ve also come to a realization about these past events (as usual). Needless to say, I’ve had an interesting couple of weeks. I’ve tried very hard to… how would you say… keep my mind off things. As all of you already know, I have a vivid imagination. I can take something that has happened, or something someone has said and go all the way home with what I think should, could, or would happen, in varying shades of reality, and in varying collections of time and space (What can I say, it’s a gift). So it’s really easy for me to imagine the worst, then go beyond that and imagine the worst still. Usually I try to keep myself from delving into the murky waters of fantasy as I tend to become a turtle in its shell or an Ostrich with its head in the sand. That is not good and has contributed to my notorious late-blooming. But this time I think I deserve a little siesta from reality. Not just because the situation with my dad sucks beyond belief, but also to save my sanity. Like I need to have a “Sucker Free Weekend,” I need a “Reality Free Mental Vacation.” I need a flippin’ break or I’ll go completely mad with all these decisions and responsibilities that are overwhelming me.

And the funny thing about all this is, despite my Dad not being the best father in the world… despite the drugs, and the domestic abuse, and the disappearing for years. I still love the bastard. He is a manipulative, tragically selfish man, but that didn’t stop me from crying when he had to call me from the hospital himself, barely able to speak, to tell me he had had a stroke.

I’m sick of life being all sacrifice. When do we get our fucking reward?

So I’ve been without my computer for two days and it’s starting to drive me a little batty. I’ve become less addicted to my computer over the years, which is a good thing. I remember when I first started this internet thing. I was on my computer 20 hours out of the day, not kidding… seriously. There was so much to discover and learn that I was hooked on the rush of exploring new territory. It was amazing. But alas, the internet is not shiny and new to me anymore. I’ve been in the game too long and it’s lost its luster. I still occasionally get a little high every now and then when I figure out html code that has been killing me slowly or I discover a service, website or php program that will downgrade my life from the 9th circle of hell to the 7th. It’s good, but that first feeling… that first taste… like heroin… you’ll never get that level of high again. Makes me kinda sad.

So yeah, my computer situation has kinda changed. Like a creepy old man with ESP, my uncle called me last night wanting to talk computer upgrades. I have plans to go over his house this weekend and get a new machine with much more speed than what I’ve got now. I’m excited, but I’ve also decided to buy a new computer from Dell. I’ve already picked out the one I want. Isn’t it gorgeous? Do you know how much damage I could do with a TV tuner and recording/clipping technology? I swear the world would implode. That is how crazy it would be. Just thinking about it makes me want to laugh like a Comic book Villain. It’s upwards of a thousand dollars but I want it… really, really bad.

I passed the idea of purchasing a New, new computer by my mother and she pitched a fucking fit. She did the same thing with my sister’s new car. “We can’t afford it; we can barely pay the bills we have.” Which is disturbingly true, but it is hard to take on the burden of three adults on two adult’s salaries. My sister and I not only share the burden of household bills; we also share the feeling of working really hard and getting nothing for it. 80 % of the reason you work is the keep a roof over your head and food in you belly, yes, but the other 20% is to purchase things that bring you joy. Yeah, we see very little of that. It’s almost like we are working for free. And the parental unit doesn’t help the situation by shaming us every time we want to buy something we’ve been dreaming about. I will go as far as to say my computer is my life. I spend more time on it doing things and connecting with people than I do in real life. That may not be healthy, but it’s true. The logical course of things would be, if my computer has become a piece of shit, to want a new one. Right? I suppose it is true that I have champagne taste on beer money and always go for the most expensive thing on the menu. I guess it’s just the Leo in me, but damn it, I know quality when I see it. I’m not going to spend my money on crap just because it’s cheaper. If I’m going to spend money at all, it’s going to do what I want it to do and be damned good at it too! I guess I’ll write a spell about it. It will come to me. I just need to find the means to get it.

Peace, love and blessed it be.