Recently in Ill-fated Crushes Category

Hey, kids. Well it's been awhile, I know, but I've been wrapping my mind around shit and trying to deal with my new health situation which isn't going very well... anyway...

For those of you who don't know, Circa Survive is my favorite band in the whole wide world and I had the opportunity to see them in concert this past Thursday. I would have written about the experience the night of, but I was so exhausted that all I did when I got home was take a shower and go to bed. I was exhausted for several reasons and to my dismay; the concert was a mixed experience.

Don't get me wrong, Circa was awesome. I worship the ground that Anthony Green (the lead singer) walks on and he's so fucking cute. I would bear his children in a heartbeat; I'm so crushing on him, but I digress...

Like I said, the concert wasn't as great as I thought/wanted it to be. In fact, I have very few fond memories and even less pictures to commemorate the occasion and this is all thanks to rude little emo children... I'll get back to that later, but first, let's recount the events of Thursday, November 8th, 2007.

5:30pm: Quiana (my sister) and I arrive at The Mayan Theater in downtown Los Angeles. After suffering through the horrors that are the 405 and 110 freeways, I was super stoked to finally be an hour away from seeing Anthony in person for the first time.

Although we arrived an hour early for the show, there was still a pretty long line going and we quickly crossed the street and staked our claim online in the anticipation of an amazing show.

Seriously, the entire time I was in line all I could think about was the fact that I was actually in line to see Circa Survive; that I would actually be in the presence of Anthony's angelic voice and brilliant blue eyes... oh those eyes... It got to the point where every time my sister would ask me a question my answer would somehow include the words Circa or Circa Survive. I know, it's sad.

Now keep in mind that when I bought the tickets I knew that there was going to be an opening act, however, I had no idea that there were going to be THREE opening acts and those three acts would get 30 to 45 minute sets a piece before we even got a glimpse of Circa. More on this later.

6:40pm: The doors finally open and we are allowed to enter The Mayan. Although Quiana and I had seat tickets, I saw that the dance floor was practically empty and immediately secured a spot close to the stage where I could see Anthony clearly when they preformed. Big mistake... more on that later.

7:45pm: The first act, Fear before the March of Flames finally comes on stage. Their amps were way too loud and the lead singer was a FREAK!

I'm convinced he dropped massive amounts of acid before coming on stage and spent the entire time, bouncing around like a fool, symbolically jacking off with his microphone and trying to hypnotize the audience with weird hand gestures.

Actually I think he was really trying to hypnotize the hot chicks into not seeing how fugly he was in an attempt to score with a groupie after the show.... It didn't work.

Towards the end of the set he even did a half assed handstand trying to impress the crowd. It was ridiculous, but the saddest part of all this was that there were people actually there to see them... like, they acutally have fans.

The only bonus to that set was that Anthony came out on stage towards the end and sang (screamed) a few lyrics with the lead singer. Needless to say, everyone cheered their asses off at seeing him which was the loudest applause the band had gotten during their entire set.

8:30pm: The second act, The Dear Hunter, finally finished their setup and mic check (yes, we had to sit through all the bands setting up and mic checking which took like 30 minutes each) and started their set.

They were not half as bad as the first fuckups. The music was decent although a bit boring in parts and their amps weren't too loud so you could actually hear what the lead singer was saying.

They sort of reminded me of Coheed and Cambria in a good way which says a lot, but at that point I was starting to get antsy (as was everyone else) and I was done with that three opening act shit and ready to see Circa.

9:30pm: The third act, Ours, finally finishes their setup and mic check and they start their set.

This band is pretty good. They've been around a while so they've got stage presence and experience. Although the lead singer isn't the hottest guy in the room (Anthony is), he's a rockstar in the best sense and has a good voice. The music is very well done and the light design for the show was very nice. So nice that it prompted my sister and me to take a few pictures of their performance.

Another bonus to Ours was that their keyboardist/rhythm guitar and lead guitar guys were HOT. I have pics below and they aren't very good ones, but you'll get a general gist of the hotness.

Despite how much I liked Ours, I couldn't get it up for them as much as I would have liked as I'd been standing on concrete, pressed together with a bunch of sweaty emo teens for about three hours and I was over it. My feet were hurting, I was tired and I had actually contemplated just leaving without seeing Anthony. That's how exhausted I was.

10:15pm: The Ours set ends and Circa is about to set up for the finale.

My sister and I were standing patiently, extremely excited to finally see Anthony and in such a good spot close to the stage when all of the sudden the crowd on the dance floor started to get pushed forward like a tidal wave was hitting us from behind.

At first I didn't know what the hell was going on until the bastard little emo kids who were forcing their way to the front of the crowd started showing up in my section.

Yes, you read right. The push from behind was actually fucking teenagers (and I'm sure some stupid adults) who weren't smart enough to show up on time and get a good spot, so they decided to force their way to the front and push out all the people who had waited through all three acts to see Circa up close.

It was insane, we were being pushed around and smushed together so much that Quiana was starting to freak out. You could see and feel all these people pushing and shoving their way upfront, elbowing people in the gut ( I got elbowed) to steal their spot. I wanted to fight for my space, but Quiana was freaking out so much that I decided to fuck it and grab her arm to try and get her out of there.

Yeah, I wanted to see Anthony up close and be in the thick of it when he belted out lyrics to "In Fear and Faith" and "The Difference between Medicine and Poison," but it wasn't worth my sister getting physically assaulted and having a panic attack.

Now, while Quiana and I were struggling to get out of the whirlpool, this guy and girl had started to get into it about who was going to be ruder and push their way to the front first.

It's all a bit of a blur to me now, but I know that the girl had started punching the guy in the head first (right over Quiana's head as he was pushing his way forward right next to her) and then he either pushed the girl really hard or hit her. Whatever happened, the guy she was with got involved and then it turned into an all out fight in the middle of the dance floor. Luckily I had gotten Quiana out of there in time or we both would have ended up in the middle of that shit. Of course security had to break it up and although I don't know how many people were actually involved, I do know that the girl and guy who started it got tossed out of the venue unceremoniously.

Once everything had settled down I looked around and found myself at the very back of the dance floor miles away from where I once was. I was so close to seeing Anthony in all his glory that I could taste it, but the taste soon turned bitter due to all the evil little emos at the show. I swear, if I see anymore skinny jeans, hoodies or greasy, color streaked hair I'm going to fucking go off. No offense to all the nice emos out there, but your brethren have SERIOUS problems and need their asses kicked.

Anyway, it was going to be awhile before Circa actually got onstage as the fight had the roadies for Ours mesmerized which delayed the breakdown of their stuff and thus delayed the setup of Circa's stuff.

Luckily, while we had the coveted up close spots on the dance floor we'd met a really nice young couple who'd driven all the way from San Bernardino to see the show and were with us when we got forced to the back. The boyfriend bought Quiana a bottle of water to help her calm down and let her bum a cigarette.

Although I'm very proud of her for quitting smoking years ago, after everything that had just happened I figured I could keep my mouth shut while she enjoyed a little nicotine comfort in an attempt to chill and regain her equilibrium. She was honestly startled by the whole thing, so much so that her hands were shaking even after we were outside with the couple chilling, smoking and waiting for Circa to come on.

11:00pm: Anthony and the rest of Circa Survive finally enter the stage. Their set was good and Anthony has an incredible voice and insane stamina. His voice never cracked and his high notes were so crystal clear it was amazing despite him bouncing around the stage like a maniac.

The light design was good although a little dark for pictures and they kept releasing big, colored balloons out into the audience to be bounced around by the fans with some of them popping to rain down confetti all over us.

I got some decent pictures, not near as good as I would have gotten had I been in my original spot and despite my joy at seeing Circa live, it was tainted by being forced out of my spot and the fight that ensued after.

I think that If I could do it all over again, I would have shown up later (to avoid most of the opening acts) and taken my seats on the second level to avoid the massive trauma done to my feet from standing in one place for three hours.

You know, the more I think about it, the more pissed off I get and I've decided that I have to go to another show when they come back to town to try and get the wonderful experience I should have had at this one. It makes me a little sad, but I'm hoping against hope that they'll come back to SoCal (preferably Long Beach) so that I can see them again... properly, and maybe even stick around to meet Anthony after the show and get a picture or something.

Anyway, like I said, pictures are below and I'll try to find some good pics of Anthony so you can see how hot he is... just in case you don't know already.

Hi *waves*. So I’m here at work having another strange realization about myself. For some reason things are slow here right now, which is rather odd as I woke up in a frantic whirlwind this morning. I was rushing for reasons I haven’t figured out yet. I suppose it was because I thought I was going to be late (which I wasn’t), but I also think it was more than that. I physically felt rushed, like the cells in my body were vibrating at tripped out speeds. I don’t know what was going on, but it was weird. I’ve calmed down since then, but that feeling of rushing still lingers. Maybe it had something to do with a dream I was having that I can’t recall.

Remember when I said I didn’t have a crush on anyone at work. Well. I lied about that. I was ashamed of the whole thing so I kept it to myself. You’d think I’d be much more ashamed of the crush on Mark (and I was extremely ashamed) with his being married with a son and all, but that is nothing compared to this one. Besides, Mark and I got to know each other very well while working in the deli, so I consider him a friend now. That makes all those fuzzy feelings seem ridiculous in retrospect.

It’s funny because he ended up having a crush on me long after I had gotten over him. It’s weird how you get to know someone and wrap your mind around the fact that you will never be with them, just to find out later that had circumstances been different, your crush would have come to fruition. You’d think that would make me sad somehow, but it doesn’t. Things happen the way that they do for a reason… plus I like his wife very much so it’s all good.

But onto the other guy… I can say with confidence that I can put this particular crush to rest knowing that the guy just isn’t into me. This is understandable. Not so understandable as to imply that no guy could be into me. I just understand why this guy isn’t into me. And to better illustrate I’ll say this… He was a lesson in masochism. In fact, he is still a lesson in masochism as he knows I have/had a crush on him which, now that I think about it, explains quite a bit. The avoidance, the quietness, the subtle distain, all of this should have tipped me off that I was being obvious and I hate… HATE to be obvious— especially about things like this.

The real dilemma is my need to understand why I liked him so much, or better yet, why I liked him in the first place. I want to understand why this one was so painful. What was it about him that made me accept the ridiculousness of the whole thing and hold on to it like my life depended on it? I know I am being vague, but I’m having a hard time understanding it myself, so you can imagine how it must be to put it into words.

The point is this, once I figure out that something is bad news, I usually avoid it, but this time I didn’t. I knew this crush was going to end badly. I knew it was going to be different… bad different, but I let myself go there anyway. Why? What the hell was the point? Seriously… what was the point?

I feel degraded and exposed knowing what I know now. I always feel like a complete idiot at the end of an ill fated crush, but this one seems to be particularly harsh. I suppose things like this just happen. There is always one that hurts more than the rest. I guess this one is mine.

Hi *waves*. So I bought The Forever Knight Trilogy - Part 1 at DeepDiscountDVD.com. You're talking to a Forever Knight fan from way, waaaaaay back. I love that fucking show. I had such a huge crush on Geraint Wyn Davies *blush*, so I'm totally looking forward to that showing up in the mail soon. Fun, fun stuff.

In other movie news, I'm totally in love with the movie, The Outsider. I have a new found appreciation for Tim Daly and Naomi Watts. Tim has always been a good looking guy, but he was totally hot in this movie. And the only thing I've seen Naomi Watts in was The Ring. I don't like or dislike her, but she was really good in this movie. Romantic Westerns with beautiful cinematography always get me. If you haven't seen it check it out. I broke myself when I bought Forever Knight, but I get paid every week so it's all good.

Oh yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm over Mark. The reality of his unavaliableness (is that even a word?) is starting to sink in. Actually I don't really know what I saw in him in the first place. Why do we always get crushes on people just to look back and realize they weren't all that to begin with? Human nature is a strange creature.

Gotta go. Peace and Love.

Hi *waves*. It's official. I'm working to hard. Having two jobs sucks. All work and no play makes Tiffany a very bad girl. I figured that's why I was acting all weird about that guy. It was exhaustion. I was too tired to think straight.

Speaking of the guy, I kinda gave him the cold shoulder that day. I wasn't mean, I was civil, but I certainly wasn't as "friendly" has I had been. I wasn't flirting before, I don't do that, but back then I thought I had a chance. Anyway, I'm pretty much over that whole thing and I'm starting to feel comfortable around him again, but now, since I did the "civil" thing, he's turned around and done the same to me.

What the fuck? He was all chipper and happy and smiling when I came back to work after he spilled that info. Then, after I kept my distance, he does the same thing the next day. Am I projecting? Is it me? My sister thinks that because I get along so well with everyone else in the Deli, and I was acting the same with them and different with him that he feels left out. I decided not to be a bitch and tried to included him the last two days. I don't want anyone to be left out. I know he's shy and all, but I'm not one of those people who leaves people out just because they aren't as outgoing or open as I am.

Anyway, I think I may have made him uncomfortable with the distance thing after the info spill. I don't think he's stupid, so maybe he put 2 and 2 together and figured out that I may have liked him then got freaked out by the whole "married with a baby's mama" deal and got freaked out himself. We'll see what happens tomorrow. I just want things to be like nothing ever happened and I never had feelings for him at all. I'd be really happy with that.

Enough really personal stuff. I need a new layout. I've already started working on something. I don't know if I'll keep it, but I like it so far. This vector was nice at first, but with all layouts that stay up to long, I'm getting bored with it. I'll probably have time to put something up later this week.

I'll see you peeps later. Peace and love.

Hi *waves*. I have to go to work in a few hours. I don't want to go. Not just because working sucks, but also because I'll have to face my ill-fated crush. That whole situation is so fucked up that it's... well fucked up.

Okay, so I have a crush on a guy who works in the Service Deli. His name is Mark. He is blonde, about 5'10 and has blue eyes that make you feel like he's seeing into your soul. He's quite and shy, and terribly cute.

What's the problem you ask? I think problems is more the word, so let's count out all three nails in the coffin of a relationship that never was.

1. He's only 21 and I'm 23. I know some of your are thinking what's the big deal, but guys are 4 years delayed in there development as compaired to women. Therefore, although his actual age is 21, he's really 17.

2. He's married. I think that one pretty much explains it's self.

3. His wife is 4 months pregnant with their first child.

We're talking as he is making my sandwich for lunch and spills these tidbits of info out of nowhere. I had to stand there all composed like I didn't care, but inside I was sreaming. I wanted to cry. I know for a second there my face must have collapsed, but I'm sure he didn't notice.

Me liking this guy and thinking I may have had a chance with him wasn't entirely wishful thinking. He doesn't wear a wedding ring. I asked him why and he said he can't afford it, but really people! How much would a little sliver or gold band cost. It doesn't have to be the real deal, but you should wear something so stupid girls like me don't get our hopes up. It's called false advertising. Look into it damnit!!!

I've been stewing over this for the past 2 days and I've come to some scary realizations about myself. What's scary is, I actually think I could have worked my way around the whole married thing if he wanted to start something. I kept thinking, "if only she wasn't pregnant." Isn't that terrible. I'm an awful home-wreaking bitch and I haven't even done anything. Another scary thing is that I was hoping he was totally miserble in his marriage and only married her because she got knocked up. He always looks kinda sad and disconnected so this could be, but that still doesn't give me the right to put that out into the universe.

What is wrong with me? Why am I thinking these things about this guy? I've had crushes on guys and never wished their marriages ill-will. Then again, I've never had a crush on a married guy. Maybe I wouldn't have let myself have a crush on him at all if I'd known he was married from the get go.

Anyway, I just feel like shit and today I have to work in the service deli and run a sandwich demo until 1pm today. He will talk to me and smile at me and be adorable. I will be nice and act like I don't have any interest in him when really I'm sobbing inside. Today is going to be a long and fucked up day.