Ill-fated Crushes: March 2006 Archives

Hi *waves*. So I’m here at work having another strange realization about myself. For some reason things are slow here right now, which is rather odd as I woke up in a frantic whirlwind this morning. I was rushing for reasons I haven’t figured out yet. I suppose it was because I thought I was going to be late (which I wasn’t), but I also think it was more than that. I physically felt rushed, like the cells in my body were vibrating at tripped out speeds. I don’t know what was going on, but it was weird. I’ve calmed down since then, but that feeling of rushing still lingers. Maybe it had something to do with a dream I was having that I can’t recall.

Remember when I said I didn’t have a crush on anyone at work. Well. I lied about that. I was ashamed of the whole thing so I kept it to myself. You’d think I’d be much more ashamed of the crush on Mark (and I was extremely ashamed) with his being married with a son and all, but that is nothing compared to this one. Besides, Mark and I got to know each other very well while working in the deli, so I consider him a friend now. That makes all those fuzzy feelings seem ridiculous in retrospect.

It’s funny because he ended up having a crush on me long after I had gotten over him. It’s weird how you get to know someone and wrap your mind around the fact that you will never be with them, just to find out later that had circumstances been different, your crush would have come to fruition. You’d think that would make me sad somehow, but it doesn’t. Things happen the way that they do for a reason… plus I like his wife very much so it’s all good.

But onto the other guy… I can say with confidence that I can put this particular crush to rest knowing that the guy just isn’t into me. This is understandable. Not so understandable as to imply that no guy could be into me. I just understand why this guy isn’t into me. And to better illustrate I’ll say this… He was a lesson in masochism. In fact, he is still a lesson in masochism as he knows I have/had a crush on him which, now that I think about it, explains quite a bit. The avoidance, the quietness, the subtle distain, all of this should have tipped me off that I was being obvious and I hate… HATE to be obvious— especially about things like this.

The real dilemma is my need to understand why I liked him so much, or better yet, why I liked him in the first place. I want to understand why this one was so painful. What was it about him that made me accept the ridiculousness of the whole thing and hold on to it like my life depended on it? I know I am being vague, but I’m having a hard time understanding it myself, so you can imagine how it must be to put it into words.

The point is this, once I figure out that something is bad news, I usually avoid it, but this time I didn’t. I knew this crush was going to end badly. I knew it was going to be different… bad different, but I let myself go there anyway. Why? What the hell was the point? Seriously… what was the point?

I feel degraded and exposed knowing what I know now. I always feel like a complete idiot at the end of an ill fated crush, but this one seems to be particularly harsh. I suppose things like this just happen. There is always one that hurts more than the rest. I guess this one is mine.