Self Evolution: February 2006 Archives
Hi *waves*. This has been bugging me for a long time, but the tile in the bathroom at my office doesn’t match. It’s all the same color scheme and crap, but there’s no design. You know how usually tile is put together to create a pattern? Well, the tile in this bathroom has no pattern at all. It’s like the dude just put down the tiles all willy-nilly like without any regard for form or function. I mean, when I’m doing my… business, finding a distinct pattern in the tile (especially in a foreign bathroom) helps me relax. But this place… there is nothing to focus on—no pattern to entertain you. It’s complete rubbish. I know it sounds silly, but it bugs the shit out of me. I should complain to the management.
Anyway, I’m feeling a streak of independence coming on. As I’ve said many times before, I am a late bloomer. But when I do bloom, it’s big—I evolve by leaps and bounds, then I hit a plateau and have to wait a few more years to store up the courage to take another leap of faith.
It’s interesting that I mention leaps of faith. My mother did a reading for me the other night. Just a simple three card draw, but it was very informative. I’m usually the one doing the readings as I am teaching myself tarot and I have a natural gift for reading people like books, so that can only help me be a better diviner. But I digress… my mother did a reading for me and the three cards I drew were The Fool, The Two of Swords, and The Stars (very impressive considering that two of the cards were Major Arcane.) Basically I am at a crossroads in my life. I am at the cusp of change and growth (The Fool), but right now I am stuck in limbo and am very confused about which path I should take (2 of Swords). In the end I will make a decision to move forward and have a better grasp of what my purpose is in life (The Stars).
This relates to a lot of stuff going on in my life right now. I am confused about how much I should give to my dad. He needs round the clock care now and I was considering quitting my job to take care of him. But I know that is not the right decision and he already told me he would be pissed if I put my life on hold for him. I’m not much of a caretaker, but I’m trying. It’s very hard to go against your nature. It’s also hard to let go and realize you can’t fix everything.
I am a fixer. If you tell me something is wrong, I’ll try to come up with a solution. Although you came to me just so someone will listen (I’m good at listening), that doesn’t stop me from trying to fix whatever is wrong. I can’t help it. My mind just goes into fix it mode. So you can imagine how hard it is to resign myself to my father’s new state of being. I want so bad to fix this, but I can’t. I just can’t. Another crappy thing about being a fix it person is when you can’t fix it, it brings you way down.
