Recently in Self Realizations Category

Hi *waves*. Well, it's about time I tell you guys what is going on with me. I haven't had time to write as things have been pretty freakin' weird in my life lately. Most of the reason why I haven't posted as regularly as I should is because I've been without internet access. My Verizon DSL went out on me and Verizon refused to send me a new modem, so I've been without my only connection to the outside world for almost two months. I finally broke down and ordered DSL from Earthlink and I'm pretty happy with it so far. It's much, much faster than Verizon. At first I thought my last connection was slow because of my computer. Turns out it was my shitty provider... go figure.

So, I am trying to get back on track. Yes, yes I know. How many times have you guys heard me say that? But I mean it. Well shit, I mean it every time I say it, but you know how it is. Sometimes I just can't keep the commitment no matter how hard I try.

Anyway, I still have grand plans for my little corner of the web. I have a layout that I was working on about a month ago. Who knows if I'm going to still feel it after so much time offline. In all honesty, I could have worked on it and coded the damned thing while I was banned from the net, but there is something very depressing about my computer when I don't have internet access. I didn't even what to sit in front of the thing. It felt incomplete some how.

So yes, Tiffany hasn't disappeared off the face of the earth. I'm still here trying to make something of this domain. You know that whole make yourself deal. I'm hoping that getting my shit in order here will help accomplish that task. I think I've lost touch with myself by not keeping current with things that are important to me. This domain is still important to me, so I need to show some love.

Oh and before I forget, my birthday was on the 14th. I turned 26 and was planning on doing my usual "today is my birthday and I've still done nothing with my life" post, but it didn't happen this year. I got really depressed and just couldn't bring myself to write anything. In fact I just wanted to pretend like I didn't have a birthday. I don't know if that is a bad sign, but I just wasn't feeling it. Maybe it was because everyone forgot about it or that I didn't get any presents except what I bought for myself... I think 2006 is just a bad year for me. Nothing has gone right. All these bad things keep happening to me. I don't know why or what I'm doing wrong. There must be a lesson to learn, but I can't seem to see it...

I hope that working on the domain and helping getting Jackie back online will help me get out of this funk. I don't plan to be this fucked up come 2007.

I have to say that in recent weeks, I've become a bit obsessed with blog questions. I guess it's easier and faster than having to sit and actually think up something to write that's introspective and entertaining at the same time. I think I am failing miserably at the entertaining part (the lack of comments and hits are proof of that), but then again, I think I'd lost track of what this blog was about anyway. I am not doing this to impress people, but to force the poison blood from my veins and try to heal myself. I am not as arrogant as to presume that I ooze profound pearl-like droplets of wisdom everytime I write--far from it, but like I said, this blog is supposed to be for me to vent and get my darkness out. It is not the cure, but it helps me curb the urge to shake loose this mortal coil. And that my readers, is all I can ask for. So expect a hell of a lot of entries comprised of stupid questions that I answer with glee. As teeny-bopper and silly as they may seem, they are subtle windows to the soul and will reveal much more of me than you might think.

1) Favorite movie of the 1980s?
Heathers.

2) Favorite musician/group of the 1980s?
Oingo Boingo.

3) Favorite TV show of the 1980s?
The Cosby Show.

4) Favorite invention of the 1980s?
Rubik's Cube.

5) World Event from the 1980s that stands out in your mind?
The Fall of the Berlin Wall.

1. First time you cooked for someone else?
I cooked dinner for my ex on several occasions.

2. First time you threw up in someone else's toilet?
I got drunk at my sister's 21st birthday party.

3. First time you did anything illegal?
I can't remember that far back.

4. First time you saw snow/the ocean (whichever is more exotic)?
The first time I saw snow was on a family trip to Big Bear. I didn't get what all the hoopla was about.

5. First thought when I say "crumple-horned snorcack"?
Harry Potter.

What the hell is it about data entry that is so freaking mind numbing? I just don’t understand it. You’d think that simply entering data into a database or whatever would be so easy, but it’s just the most horrible thing I have ever done in my life. I am literally falling asleep. I wasn’t tired before I started this, but now I can barely keep my eyes open. And yes I know it is purely psychological, but what the hell is so terrible about this task that it automatically kicks my brain into boredom mode and makes me want to take a thousand year nap? Seriously, I don’t get it. But yes, here I am writing an entry in the middle of a work day to try and shake off the heavy eye syndrome that seems to have taken over my body.

Something weird has been happening to me lately. You all remember the good old days when I was flush with inspiration and had a wicked case of insomnia. Well, it seems my insomnia is on a vacation. I’m not having much trouble sleeping at all anymore. If fact, I sleep a lot… I mean a lot. And you know what? It’s wonderful. Although I am sad that I don’t have insomnia as one of my claims to fame anymore, it’s nice to finally be able to sleep and have my mind be quiet for a couple of hours. I would usually stay up all night, on the computer or watching TV, or just lying in my bed staring at the ceiling as all these thoughts and voices zigzagged through my brain at breakneck speed. I would even lie in my bed and try to remember the words to old songs I hadn’t heard in ages. I’d keep singing quietly until I got the entire song right. I know… I’m strange.

Anyway, so yeah, I’m pretty much going to bed at 10pm now, even on weekends. And I find myself fighting sleep while I watch my favorite late night cartoons. I eventually give in as they are reruns and I’ve seen them all at least 6 times, but still. I miss being the only one up at 4 in the morning. I miss the cloak of darkness that surrounded me with only the cold light of my computer screen for illumination. I suppose it was silly of me, but I felt like insomnia was one of the badges of burden one who is depressed has to wear. And now that I don’t have it… does that mean that I’m not in the club anymore? Have the other depressed bloggers picked up the scent of sleep on me and shunned me from the group? Am I out in the cold and freezing, but sleeping very well considering? And most importantly, am I not depressed anymore?

Well, now I know I’ve gone too far. If it wasn’t for my Zoloft I would be tucked in the fetal position crying my eyes out and hold up in a corner of my room right now. I know that if I didn’t have the Zoloft and the hormones I wouldn’t be able to function. Sometimes I try to think about what it would be like to go back to that place. I mean really go back, not just the minor meltdowns I had at Christmas, but seriously going back to that dark murky place when I was at the lowest point in my depression. I think even if I got off the Zoloft now I wouldn’t be in that place anymore… at least not for the first year or so, but I am a very unhappy person. I fight to find a reason to exist everyday. Eventually, I would get back there as I wouldn’t be able to find reasons to keep going. I would just fade away. Maybe that is my destiny, to just fade away into darkness. Maybe it is senseless to try and fight it with prescription pills and synthetic hormones.

If that is the reason for my existence; to be a person who endures sadness in the world, then my life would not be wasted and I would not be a failure as I would have fulfilled my purpose. If that is truly the case, I should just relax, let go and let the darkness take me.

I suppose I could be working right now, but I just can’t bring myself to engage my brain and stop being lazy. Maybe it’s because it’s Friday and I am looking forward to my weekend filled with Sushi and Anime DVDs from Netflix.

Yes, that is what I consider a fun filled weekend—all sorts of Japanese goodies. Did I mention that I’m trying to teach myself Japanese? Every time I tell people that, they look at me like I’m crazy and tell me how hard Japanese is to learn. Duh! I know that, but where there is a will there is a way. I think I am being pretty unconventional about my approach as I am using J-Pop and J-Rock to get my feet wet. I can’t really use Anime as I am so fond of so many American and Canadian voice actors that I just can’t get into the story if I’m not hearing them speak for the characters I associate with them. I am weird that way.

But yes, I love J-pop and J-Rock, so why not use that to teach myself a rather difficult language. What I’m doing is using the English translation to identify words and pronunciations in Japanese that correlate. I find myself picking up words here and there, but I’m not sure if it’s really going to work. In fact, I might be shooting myself in the foot and slowing down any progress I might make using a traditional method. It is food for thought. I might just break down and by one of those learn on tape type deals, but I would feel really accomplished if I taught myself. My sister has already been to Japan and I want to go someday, and when I do, I want to be able to speak the language fluently. My worst fear is being an obvious “tourist”. That is not cool.

I know now that I have aspirations to travel. I haven’t really been many places and have never been out of the United States. I don’t want to be one of those people who haven’t seen anything but their own back yard. I think I’m a little boring as I haven’t traveled very much. Seeing the world and being exposed to different people and cultures makes you a better person with a better understanding world that surrounds us. Not just understanding the world, but understanding you as well. You find out a lot about whom you are and what your purpose is in the universe by taking the risk and spending sometime in unfamiliar surroundings.

I think at my core I am a solitary traveler. I would get so much more out of the experience if the only person I had to depend on was me. You know, the whole stranger in a strange land type deal. However, I am a very fearful person. I am ashamed to admit it, but fear governs a great percentage of my life. I just don’t have faith in myself, so going to a strange country on my own would be terrifying for me. I feel like it is something I need to do, but I don’t know how I’m going to work myself up to doing it. Plus I have a tendency to get lost. I’m sure that is tied up in my not trusting me as well. I’m always, always second guessing myself. I just don’t trust my own instincts.

Having faith in my own judgment is something I need to work on. A couple of post ago I said I always make the wrong decision. But maybe I don’t always make the wrong choice. Maybe second guessing myself is what’s tripping me up all the time. I don’t trust myself, so I do the opposite of the original choice and fuck everything up.

It’s going to be hard breaking that habit. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always thought that way. How does one change the way they think without changing who they are? Will this make me a better person, the person I want to be or will “Tiffany” cease to exist in the corporeal sense.

I don’t know. I am getting too deep even for me, but it is worth thinking about. Maybe this is my first step in the journey to achieve the evolution of me.

Hi *waves*. So I’m here at work having another strange realization about myself. For some reason things are slow here right now, which is rather odd as I woke up in a frantic whirlwind this morning. I was rushing for reasons I haven’t figured out yet. I suppose it was because I thought I was going to be late (which I wasn’t), but I also think it was more than that. I physically felt rushed, like the cells in my body were vibrating at tripped out speeds. I don’t know what was going on, but it was weird. I’ve calmed down since then, but that feeling of rushing still lingers. Maybe it had something to do with a dream I was having that I can’t recall.

Remember when I said I didn’t have a crush on anyone at work. Well. I lied about that. I was ashamed of the whole thing so I kept it to myself. You’d think I’d be much more ashamed of the crush on Mark (and I was extremely ashamed) with his being married with a son and all, but that is nothing compared to this one. Besides, Mark and I got to know each other very well while working in the deli, so I consider him a friend now. That makes all those fuzzy feelings seem ridiculous in retrospect.

It’s funny because he ended up having a crush on me long after I had gotten over him. It’s weird how you get to know someone and wrap your mind around the fact that you will never be with them, just to find out later that had circumstances been different, your crush would have come to fruition. You’d think that would make me sad somehow, but it doesn’t. Things happen the way that they do for a reason… plus I like his wife very much so it’s all good.

But onto the other guy… I can say with confidence that I can put this particular crush to rest knowing that the guy just isn’t into me. This is understandable. Not so understandable as to imply that no guy could be into me. I just understand why this guy isn’t into me. And to better illustrate I’ll say this… He was a lesson in masochism. In fact, he is still a lesson in masochism as he knows I have/had a crush on him which, now that I think about it, explains quite a bit. The avoidance, the quietness, the subtle distain, all of this should have tipped me off that I was being obvious and I hate… HATE to be obvious— especially about things like this.

The real dilemma is my need to understand why I liked him so much, or better yet, why I liked him in the first place. I want to understand why this one was so painful. What was it about him that made me accept the ridiculousness of the whole thing and hold on to it like my life depended on it? I know I am being vague, but I’m having a hard time understanding it myself, so you can imagine how it must be to put it into words.

The point is this, once I figure out that something is bad news, I usually avoid it, but this time I didn’t. I knew this crush was going to end badly. I knew it was going to be different… bad different, but I let myself go there anyway. Why? What the hell was the point? Seriously… what was the point?

I feel degraded and exposed knowing what I know now. I always feel like a complete idiot at the end of an ill fated crush, but this one seems to be particularly harsh. I suppose things like this just happen. There is always one that hurts more than the rest. I guess this one is mine.

Hi *waves*. I haven’t written in a while, but I’m pretty happy with the consistency of the posts on this blog lately. I went through my archives and was shocked by how bitter and far between they were. I was really unhappy working at Vons and it showed unabashedly in my entries. I Know I need to vent—that is just the way I am, but I also think I need to be a little more thoughtful and constructive about it. I’m a person who thinks about things and works them mentally until they turn into puddles of bruised jelly. I overwork and overanalyze things all the time, and it is to my detriment. I suppose it was just the anger talking in those entries although I still haven’t quite figured out what I was angry about. It is a very disconcerting feeling to be angry and not know why. It’s like prison.

Anyway, my mother and I had a fight last week. We just don’t know how to communicate with each other. Or better yet, we communicate in the same way which is bad, because we both hate the way the other communicates. I don’t know if you could even call it communicating as neither of us understands where the other is coming from and we don’t get anywhere when we try. Talking to my mother is like talking to a brick wall and I imagine the same can be said for me. I try very hard not to be stubborn, but it happens. I don’t want to be stubborn, I want to be accommodating and compromising, but when one is constantly attacking you, turning the other cheek gets old fast.

My mother is the kind of person who will do things that she thinks is in the person’s best interest even if that person asked her not to do anything. It is a combination of “I know what’s best” syndrome mixed with an innate need to control everything around her. I suppose she feels completely out of control on the inside so she tries desperately to control everything on the outside. It’s very much like an anorexic only without the starvation.

But yes, she is upset with me for the simple reason that I do not want to do everything she says anymore. I am asserting my independence and it’s freaking her the fuck out. I understand that she needs control, but she has to understand that I need space. We’ve been together so long; Quiana and I have always let her take charge (much longer than any normal child/parent relationship), so now that we want to make decisions for ourselves without her telling us what to do… well, let’s just say it is too much for her to handle.

I think my mother is one of those people who never should have had kids. She just isn’t cut out for it. I don’t mean to say that she is a bad parent. She isn’t. She just doesn’t know how to relinquish control and understand that Children grow up and become adults. The childhood part is fine; it’s the growing up part that she can’t handle. I think she would have been so happy if Quiana and I had stayed 4 and 8 years old forever.

Hi *waves*. This has been bugging me for a long time, but the tile in the bathroom at my office doesn’t match. It’s all the same color scheme and crap, but there’s no design. You know how usually tile is put together to create a pattern? Well, the tile in this bathroom has no pattern at all. It’s like the dude just put down the tiles all willy-nilly like without any regard for form or function. I mean, when I’m doing my… business, finding a distinct pattern in the tile (especially in a foreign bathroom) helps me relax. But this place… there is nothing to focus on—no pattern to entertain you. It’s complete rubbish. I know it sounds silly, but it bugs the shit out of me. I should complain to the management.

Anyway, I’m feeling a streak of independence coming on. As I’ve said many times before, I am a late bloomer. But when I do bloom, it’s big—I evolve by leaps and bounds, then I hit a plateau and have to wait a few more years to store up the courage to take another leap of faith.

It’s interesting that I mention leaps of faith. My mother did a reading for me the other night. Just a simple three card draw, but it was very informative. I’m usually the one doing the readings as I am teaching myself tarot and I have a natural gift for reading people like books, so that can only help me be a better diviner. But I digress… my mother did a reading for me and the three cards I drew were The Fool, The Two of Swords, and The Stars (very impressive considering that two of the cards were Major Arcane.) Basically I am at a crossroads in my life. I am at the cusp of change and growth (The Fool), but right now I am stuck in limbo and am very confused about which path I should take (2 of Swords). In the end I will make a decision to move forward and have a better grasp of what my purpose is in life (The Stars).

This relates to a lot of stuff going on in my life right now. I am confused about how much I should give to my dad. He needs round the clock care now and I was considering quitting my job to take care of him. But I know that is not the right decision and he already told me he would be pissed if I put my life on hold for him. I’m not much of a caretaker, but I’m trying. It’s very hard to go against your nature. It’s also hard to let go and realize you can’t fix everything.

I am a fixer. If you tell me something is wrong, I’ll try to come up with a solution. Although you came to me just so someone will listen (I’m good at listening), that doesn’t stop me from trying to fix whatever is wrong. I can’t help it. My mind just goes into fix it mode. So you can imagine how hard it is to resign myself to my father’s new state of being. I want so bad to fix this, but I can’t. I just can’t. Another crappy thing about being a fix it person is when you can’t fix it, it brings you way down.