Self Realizations: January 2006 Archives

Hi * waves*. So it’s been quiet around here lately. And it’s not because I don’t have anything to write about (in fact, I have a great deal to write about); it’s just that I haven’t had time to write. My life has been kind of hectic as of late.

My dad had a stroke about a week ago. I was going to write this long, weeping entry about it, but then changed my mind. I started writing it and it brought up all these feelings that are still very fresh in my mind. Plus, I think the post would have been too personal. Although I pride myself on being very open on this blog, there are some things I just don’t feel comfortable talking about… even to you, dear reader. So that is that. I am fine, my dad is still alive and I can only hope for the best.

So yeah, that is pretty much what has been going on lately. I’ve been trying to work and visit my dad as much as possible and as you can imagine, I am extremely exhausted. All those other times I complained about being tired were bullshit. That was very minor sleep deprivation compared to what I have experienced in the last weeks. I spent the entire weekend just sleeping. I was so tried. And instead of having my usual “Sucker Free Sunday” (I spend my Sunday in my bed, in my room, with my cellphone off and my TV on, just vegging out), I had a “Sucker Free Weekend.” I didn’t want to be bothered with anyone or anything. I just chilled in my room, sleeping, watching TV and enjoying every minute of it. It was great.

I’ve also come to a realization about these past events (as usual). Needless to say, I’ve had an interesting couple of weeks. I’ve tried very hard to… how would you say… keep my mind off things. As all of you already know, I have a vivid imagination. I can take something that has happened, or something someone has said and go all the way home with what I think should, could, or would happen, in varying shades of reality, and in varying collections of time and space (What can I say, it’s a gift). So it’s really easy for me to imagine the worst, then go beyond that and imagine the worst still. Usually I try to keep myself from delving into the murky waters of fantasy as I tend to become a turtle in its shell or an Ostrich with its head in the sand. That is not good and has contributed to my notorious late-blooming. But this time I think I deserve a little siesta from reality. Not just because the situation with my dad sucks beyond belief, but also to save my sanity. Like I need to have a “Sucker Free Weekend,” I need a “Reality Free Mental Vacation.” I need a flippin’ break or I’ll go completely mad with all these decisions and responsibilities that are overwhelming me.

And the funny thing about all this is, despite my Dad not being the best father in the world… despite the drugs, and the domestic abuse, and the disappearing for years. I still love the bastard. He is a manipulative, tragically selfish man, but that didn’t stop me from crying when he had to call me from the hospital himself, barely able to speak, to tell me he had had a stroke.

I’m sick of life being all sacrifice. When do we get our fucking reward?