Self Realizations: May 2006 Archives

What the hell is it about data entry that is so freaking mind numbing? I just don’t understand it. You’d think that simply entering data into a database or whatever would be so easy, but it’s just the most horrible thing I have ever done in my life. I am literally falling asleep. I wasn’t tired before I started this, but now I can barely keep my eyes open. And yes I know it is purely psychological, but what the hell is so terrible about this task that it automatically kicks my brain into boredom mode and makes me want to take a thousand year nap? Seriously, I don’t get it. But yes, here I am writing an entry in the middle of a work day to try and shake off the heavy eye syndrome that seems to have taken over my body.

Something weird has been happening to me lately. You all remember the good old days when I was flush with inspiration and had a wicked case of insomnia. Well, it seems my insomnia is on a vacation. I’m not having much trouble sleeping at all anymore. If fact, I sleep a lot… I mean a lot. And you know what? It’s wonderful. Although I am sad that I don’t have insomnia as one of my claims to fame anymore, it’s nice to finally be able to sleep and have my mind be quiet for a couple of hours. I would usually stay up all night, on the computer or watching TV, or just lying in my bed staring at the ceiling as all these thoughts and voices zigzagged through my brain at breakneck speed. I would even lie in my bed and try to remember the words to old songs I hadn’t heard in ages. I’d keep singing quietly until I got the entire song right. I know… I’m strange.

Anyway, so yeah, I’m pretty much going to bed at 10pm now, even on weekends. And I find myself fighting sleep while I watch my favorite late night cartoons. I eventually give in as they are reruns and I’ve seen them all at least 6 times, but still. I miss being the only one up at 4 in the morning. I miss the cloak of darkness that surrounded me with only the cold light of my computer screen for illumination. I suppose it was silly of me, but I felt like insomnia was one of the badges of burden one who is depressed has to wear. And now that I don’t have it… does that mean that I’m not in the club anymore? Have the other depressed bloggers picked up the scent of sleep on me and shunned me from the group? Am I out in the cold and freezing, but sleeping very well considering? And most importantly, am I not depressed anymore?

Well, now I know I’ve gone too far. If it wasn’t for my Zoloft I would be tucked in the fetal position crying my eyes out and hold up in a corner of my room right now. I know that if I didn’t have the Zoloft and the hormones I wouldn’t be able to function. Sometimes I try to think about what it would be like to go back to that place. I mean really go back, not just the minor meltdowns I had at Christmas, but seriously going back to that dark murky place when I was at the lowest point in my depression. I think even if I got off the Zoloft now I wouldn’t be in that place anymore… at least not for the first year or so, but I am a very unhappy person. I fight to find a reason to exist everyday. Eventually, I would get back there as I wouldn’t be able to find reasons to keep going. I would just fade away. Maybe that is my destiny, to just fade away into darkness. Maybe it is senseless to try and fight it with prescription pills and synthetic hormones.

If that is the reason for my existence; to be a person who endures sadness in the world, then my life would not be wasted and I would not be a failure as I would have fulfilled my purpose. If that is truly the case, I should just relax, let go and let the darkness take me.

I suppose I could be working right now, but I just can’t bring myself to engage my brain and stop being lazy. Maybe it’s because it’s Friday and I am looking forward to my weekend filled with Sushi and Anime DVDs from Netflix.

Yes, that is what I consider a fun filled weekend—all sorts of Japanese goodies. Did I mention that I’m trying to teach myself Japanese? Every time I tell people that, they look at me like I’m crazy and tell me how hard Japanese is to learn. Duh! I know that, but where there is a will there is a way. I think I am being pretty unconventional about my approach as I am using J-Pop and J-Rock to get my feet wet. I can’t really use Anime as I am so fond of so many American and Canadian voice actors that I just can’t get into the story if I’m not hearing them speak for the characters I associate with them. I am weird that way.

But yes, I love J-pop and J-Rock, so why not use that to teach myself a rather difficult language. What I’m doing is using the English translation to identify words and pronunciations in Japanese that correlate. I find myself picking up words here and there, but I’m not sure if it’s really going to work. In fact, I might be shooting myself in the foot and slowing down any progress I might make using a traditional method. It is food for thought. I might just break down and by one of those learn on tape type deals, but I would feel really accomplished if I taught myself. My sister has already been to Japan and I want to go someday, and when I do, I want to be able to speak the language fluently. My worst fear is being an obvious “tourist”. That is not cool.

I know now that I have aspirations to travel. I haven’t really been many places and have never been out of the United States. I don’t want to be one of those people who haven’t seen anything but their own back yard. I think I’m a little boring as I haven’t traveled very much. Seeing the world and being exposed to different people and cultures makes you a better person with a better understanding world that surrounds us. Not just understanding the world, but understanding you as well. You find out a lot about whom you are and what your purpose is in the universe by taking the risk and spending sometime in unfamiliar surroundings.

I think at my core I am a solitary traveler. I would get so much more out of the experience if the only person I had to depend on was me. You know, the whole stranger in a strange land type deal. However, I am a very fearful person. I am ashamed to admit it, but fear governs a great percentage of my life. I just don’t have faith in myself, so going to a strange country on my own would be terrifying for me. I feel like it is something I need to do, but I don’t know how I’m going to work myself up to doing it. Plus I have a tendency to get lost. I’m sure that is tied up in my not trusting me as well. I’m always, always second guessing myself. I just don’t trust my own instincts.

Having faith in my own judgment is something I need to work on. A couple of post ago I said I always make the wrong decision. But maybe I don’t always make the wrong choice. Maybe second guessing myself is what’s tripping me up all the time. I don’t trust myself, so I do the opposite of the original choice and fuck everything up.

It’s going to be hard breaking that habit. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always thought that way. How does one change the way they think without changing who they are? Will this make me a better person, the person I want to be or will “Tiffany” cease to exist in the corporeal sense.

I don’t know. I am getting too deep even for me, but it is worth thinking about. Maybe this is my first step in the journey to achieve the evolution of me.