Recently in Sexual Preoccupation Category

Hi * waves*. You know, it’s really nice when you can interact with someone of the opposite sex and not have any… how would you say… expectation attached to it. I hate that feeling of discomfort when you try to work or be friends with someone you are attracted to. And it’s not like you choose to be attracted to them. It just sort of happens. Then you’re stuck being attracted to this person, trying to interact with them while desperately trying to keep your inner stalker in check. It is very annoying and very tiring. Not that I am stalking anyone right now. It just dawned on me (like these things always do) and feel it is worth exploring. God (or Goddess) knows I have shit pop into my head all the time that is complete rubbish, so I don’t think it would be wise to ignore the good thoughts as they are so slight and far between. But to expand on this epiphany, I could easily get into the great debate about why we are attracted to the people we are attracted to and what attraction really is.

You all know I’m one of those deep thinking peeps who likes to analyze everything until it can’t be analyzed anymore (It’s a gift of mine that I cherish deeply), so you can understand why I look at this from a very cynical point of view.

I am not a romantic. I very rarely cry because of a love story. I mean, that shit has to be touching… like really touching to get me to cry, and even then I’ll only get misty.

I don’t believe in love. Especially “love at first sight.” I believe in “lust at first sight”, because really, when people talk about falling in love at first sight, what they really mean is that they saw a person that they could totally see themselves fucking, right there, on the dance floor, in front of everyone. I admit that is a very powerful feeling. I bow down to the elusive “lust at first sight”, but it ain’t love, its sex. Let’s keep it real, people.

Basically, everything boils down to sex. It’s the base, the lower stuff, the building blocks. For if not, why would you need to have sex to perpetuate the species? It’s just the way it works. It’s the important thing… the all important thing and we need to resign ourselves to that, which is why we are hardwired as humans to look for certain cues in those of the opposite sex (or the same sex) to determine fuckability.

I say fuckability, not fertility because that is what it is, fuckability. I guarantee that most of us didn’t get here because our parents wanted to “do their duty”, be fruitful and become many. Bullshit. We got here because our parents saw each other across a dance floor, a produce aisle, a washing machine at the coin-op laundry and had “lust at first sight.” And then… we were conceived. Hallelujah.

Now when I say hardwired to look for certain cues, I literally mean hardwired. Every time we look at someone we are performing complex mathematical calculations in our heads determining symmetry which in turn, determines health and yes, fuckability.

Symmetry is beauty. The more symmetrical you are, the more beautiful you are. I know it sounds too simple—that the most beautiful girl in your class, whom you hated with a smoldering passion, was beautiful and popular because one eye was only minutely higher than the other and both her arms and legs are only longer than their counterpart by a fraction of a fraction. What’s more, a supermodel is a supermodel simply because she is symmetry in the flesh. And in that light, symmetry gets you fuckability points which in turn will get you laid, which produces children, spreading your genes across the land, which in turn spreads more symmetry, which means that all of us are pretty symmetrical because our ancestors bred most of the ugly people out leaving more room for symmetry to flourish. It’s you basic survivals of the fittest… or in this case, the prettiest.

And it’s not just limited to the face. Symmetry spans the entire body. That is why certain body types appeal to the masses as opposed to others. Whether the trend is super skinny or a little plump, I bet you most people (women in particular), still had the same proportion ratio. It’s not about size at all, it’s about proportion. For example, a woman can be 220 pounds, but if all her weight is distributed in the right places to balance proportion and she has the coveted 0.7 hip to waist ratio, she will be more attractive and get far more fuckability points than her skinny and far less curvy counterpart. The perfect measurements of 36/24/36 are truly that, perfect. This proportion ratio dictates health and health equals fuckability because let’s be honest, who wants to fuck a sick person?

Symmetry is God, which can be a little depressing as it proves to show just how powerless we are. Our lot in life, our ability to succeed is tied up in how we are perceived on a physical level. It’s the luck of the draw—the roll of the dice in the expansive genetic craps game that determines all.

I could go on and on about symmetry and fuckability, but I won’t. Basically, life is this—when you’re sitting at lunch, by yourself, wearing the badge of unpopularity, plotting the death of that well-liked girl in your office with her sickeningly symmetrical features, remember this. It isn’t her fault she is freakishly beautiful. Blame it all, your crappy job, and your crappy apartment, your lack of money, everything… on symmetry.